Why does my Snuggie smell like bleach and man sweat?November 18, 2010
I was busy seeing where I could buy a Turbaconducken – which is a chicken shoved up a duck’s ass shoved up a turkey’s ass and all those dead animals are covered in bacon – when Psycho Dave comes into my house wheeling in a sewing machine.
“Quick question,” Psycho Dave says to me. “Has anyone invented a Snuggie that has a flap for your dick?”
“So that you can piss without having to sacrifice being toasty warm?” I say.
“No, so that you can get a handjob from some woman whilst staying toasty warm and having your arms free to hold your beer or pull her hair because she’s into that sort of thing,” says Psycho Dave.
“I think if you’re wearing a Snuggie there’s a slim chance you’re going to be in a situation where you’re going to be getting a handjob,” I say.
“Yeah, because they don’t have a dick flap,” says Psycho Dave. “But they will… and I’m calling it the Tuggie.”
“I hope it’s stain-resistant,” I say.
“Good point,” says Psycho Dave. “Because you just know she’s going to wipe her hand off on your Snuggie after jerking you off, that inconsiderate whore. The Tuggie is not a towel, it is a blanket with sleeves and a dickflap so that your cock won’t get cold when she’s cranking on it.”
“You know dudes are just going to use it to masturbate, right?” I say.
“All inventions are like that,” says Psycho Dave. “Why should the Tuggie be any different?”
He’s got a point. Now all we need is Vince the ShamWow guy to hock this product for us and we’ll be as rich as astronauts. No, we’ll be richer than astronauts!