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Why does my Snuggie smell like bleach and man sweat?

November 18, 2010

I was busy seeing where I could buy a Turbaconducken – which is a chicken shoved up a duck’s ass shoved up a turkey’s ass and all those dead animals are covered in bacon – when Psycho Dave comes into my house wheeling in a sewing machine.

“Quick question,” Psycho Dave says to me.  “Has anyone invented a Snuggie that has a flap for your dick?”

“So that you can piss without having to sacrifice being toasty warm?”  I say.

“No, so that you can get a handjob from some woman whilst staying toasty warm and having your arms free to hold your beer or pull her hair because she’s into that sort of thing,”  says Psycho Dave.

“I think if you’re wearing a Snuggie there’s a slim chance you’re going to be in a situation where you’re going to be getting a handjob,”  I say.

“Yeah, because they don’t have a dick flap,”  says Psycho Dave.  “But they will… and I’m calling it the Tuggie.”

“I hope it’s stain-resistant,”  I say.

“Good point,”  says Psycho Dave.  “Because you just know she’s going to wipe her hand off on your Snuggie after jerking you off, that inconsiderate whore.  The Tuggie is not a towel, it is a blanket with sleeves and a dickflap so that your cock won’t get cold when she’s cranking on it.”

“You know dudes are just going to use it to masturbate, right?”  I say.

“All inventions are like that,”  says Psycho Dave. “Why should the Tuggie be any different?”

He’s got a point.  Now all we need is Vince the ShamWow guy to hock this product for us and we’ll be as rich as astronauts.  No, we’ll be richer than astronauts!

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13 comments

  1. “Quick question,” Psycho Dave says to me. “Has anyone invented a Snuggie that has a flap for your dick?”

    DYING LAUGHING.

    That’s genius though.


  2. I think it depends on who’s wearing the Snuggie.

    If I was wearing a Snuggie with a dick flap, no chance at a tug job.

    If James McAvoy were wearing the dick flap Snuggie, he’d be getting more tugs than the arm on an old fashioned slot machine.

    The lucky bastard.


  3. astronauts aren’t that rich, but they get all the hot, diapered chicks… maybe you could get retired astronauts to do the television commercials? then you could all get rich.


  4. Is Tag Larkin going to get one?


    • Tag Larkin does not wear Snuggies. Tag Larkin wears smoking robes like Hugh Hefner. But instead of a martini glass he’s carrying a tallboy of Schlitz.


      • I’d do Tag Larkin in a snuggie


  5. Clearly handjobs are out of the question. Blowjobs, on the other – uh – hand, should be ok.


  6. Bleach. True, isn’t it?


  7. So would this Tuggie be hewn from the fabric of a Shamwow? Because that’s not really stain-resistant, just super-absorbent. Shit would get crusty.

    Ew.


  8. I took a pair of snuggies and sewed zippers into them so that they can be worn backwards and zipped together to form one super sized snuggie. This way I can have sweaty coitus without sacrificing being toasty warm.


  9. why doesn’t he just find a girl who swallows?


  10. Tuggie – great idea and, clearly, unisex.

    I’d do Tag Larkin in a smoking jacket, in a tuggie, or buck neked in the great outdoors.


  11. HA! No joke, I spit my soda all over the screen when I read this.

    ps. “Tuggie” is my new favorite word.



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