I watched the weather report 27 times today and I still don’t know if it’s going to rain

December 2, 2010

“Man, I’m starting to love Taiwan,”  I say.

“Yeah, I could tell this wasn’t from Japan,”  says Mikka.  “The giveaway that it’s not Japanese is the total lack of tentacle rape… or any sort of rape for that matter.  My God, do they have issues over there…”

“From now on, this is the only weather report I will listen to,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I don’t care if my city isn’t listed.”

“I mean, it’s not the topless news from Russia, but then again what is?” I say.  “Besides, they don’t do cute little dances on the topless Russian news, and they don’t flatter me with lies that the Wednesday Girl Mimi tells me about wanting to be my soulmate either.”

“Yeah, these Taiwanese know how to keep guys interested,”  Anonymous Doug says.  “They rotate the girls every week.  If Monday didn’t work for you, don’t worry ’cause Tuesday might be better.”

“I do like that each month has a theme,”  Mikka says.  “I’m not sure what November’s theme was.  Futuristic Solid Gold Dancer month?  Well, at least they didn’t dress them up as turkeys or pilgrims because it’s real hard to pull off a sexy pilgrim, especially since the pilgrims didn’t go China.”

“So Mikka, do you have to hide the fact that you watch the Taiwan weather from Samurai Cathy?”  I say.

“No, but she does mention that she could slice all the women in half with little effort,”  says Mikka.

“Dude, we should show this to Tina the Lesbian,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “I bet she’d love it.”

I want to tell Anonymous Doug that Tina the Lesbian would not indeed love the Taiwan Weather Girls, but at this point in the evening my capacity to make those sort of judgment calls left me four Windex martinis ago so we call up Tina and tell her to come over to watch this video.  And then she informs us that we could just forward her the link but we’re like no, we need your immediate reaction.  So she stops doing whatever lesbians are doing at 7:45pm on a Thursday and comes over my place to see the Taiwan weather.

“So… does this get you hot?”  Anonymous Doug asks her.

“Sorry… not my type,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Not even a little?”  Doug says.  “Oh well, but you did like it, right?”

“I take solace in the fact that as objectifying as that was, in my heart I know full well that it could have been so much worse,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Objectifying, yes,”  I say.  “Hot and sexy, more yes.”

“You know these are the same people who do those crazy computer generated news stories,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“You know, I think I’m going to depend on Taiwan for all my news from now on,”  says Mikka.  “It’s like they’ve found the perfect format for putting information into my brain.”

“Yeah, who would have thought awful-looking video game-like cut-scenes would work on the avid video gamer of the group,”  I say. “I’m just glad they started putting in subtitles, as if they know their audience is Americans who are into crazy shit on the Internet, like us.”

“I like those better without the subtitles,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Then I just believe that Taiwanese woman doing the story is talking about doing dirty stuff to me.”

Nursemyra should do weather reports,”  I say.  “I need to know what the weather’s like in Australia.  And if there isn’t a corset or boots involved I’ll never retain the knowledge.”

Tina the Lesbian bids us good night before she loses anymore respect for us, and we watch the last couple weeks of weather reports, happily reminding ourselves of those days in the past when it was sunny, or rainy, or bouncy.  Yeah, it was a bouncy day…



  1. Wow. The Taiwanese really know how to talk about weather. Hot hot heat. God love the Asians. I want them to know me better.

  2. I’ll do a weather report just for you one of these days RF xx

  3. this is perhaps the most important reason we can’t let china take over taiwan. worth bustin’ a few missile caps in beijing to keep these weather reports coming…

  4. I think the Taiwanese have their fingers on the pulse of American shlock culture better than the American media do.

  5. That. Is. Mesmerizing. I can’t stop listening to that Umi chick’s voice. Is it real? Is it a computer? Where did she learn that kind of awkward kitten intonation? This is terrifying.

    Now the song is in my head. Is it London Bridges/Smurfs/Deck the Halls? I HAVE NO IDEA.

    I have to listen to it again.

  6. Finally a weather report that acknowledges that the tv weatherperson is nothing but an empty shell mouthing platitudes and hoping that the forecast is right for once.

    Personally, my favorite video here was the one on Sarah Palin, I just loved the Washington Hillbillies arriving at the White House shooting their automatic weapons. . . only. . . . Please tell me it can’t happen!!!

  7. Shit, you brought back the animated snow.

    I hate the animated snow. It makes my browser all twitchy and not twitchy in the good way like the weather reports make my man parts.

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