It’s like watching John Hinckley Jr. do a PSA on how to impress womenDecember 5, 2010
We’re late to the party on this, mainly because we were out masquerading as the leader of the Taliban so we could score some money for bootleg cases of Four Loko, but we couldn’t let it go without bringing it before the Renal Failure players. It’s the PSA between Bristol Palin and MTV Jersey Shore’s The Situation about not fucking… or fucking but with a condom… or how you just shouldn’t fuck either Bristol “the Fallow Field” Palin or Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino because you’ll either end up knocking her up again or you’ll get a case of crotch rot so bad they will seal off your vagina with concrete. I’m not exactly sure what the message of this PSA is because everything about it is the intellectual equivalent of letting someone drop a cinder block from three stories up on your brain. After watching it, a doctor can classify you with having a Grade 2 concussion.
“I hated this PSA so much I went out and had unprotected sex with a girl in the bathroom of a methodone clinic,” says Anonymous Doug. “That’s how spiteful I am to Bristol, that Situation guy, and everyone who had a hand in making this abortion.”
“The title ‘Dancing With The Stars’ has a very loose definition of the term ‘Stars,'” says Mikka. “The Situation is famous for being on a reality show where he fucks women constantly and acts like disgusting caricature of a human being, and Bristol is famous because she got knocked up while being the daughter of a Vice Presidential candidate who says crazy shit on a daily basis. But at least The Situation had to audition to get on Jersey Shore.”
“And I thought they were reaching for stars when they put Kate Gosselin on the show,” says Samurai Cathy. “So apparently in America rampant fertility qualifies you as a star, which is news to all those Irish-Catholic families in my old neighborhood who cranked out 7 to 10 kids. The media never paid any attention to them.”
“It is so forced when he keeps calling her B. Palin,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Is that some sort of new thing where people just don’t deal with first names anymore. Are people going to be calling me T. Lesbian from now on?”
“This PSA would offend me as a woman, as an Italian, and as a human being in general if I happened to be any of those things, which thankfully I’m not,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “This PSA embodies why the terrorists hate us.”
“Notice how no one mentions The Pill in this PSA,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “As if the only options for women are to just clamp their legs closed and say no to cock. Men get to flash their Magnum condoms around like FBI badges but the goddess forbid if female contraception is ever discussed.”
“I don’t think Bristol is being abstinent by choice here,” says Ninja Vicki. “Mom’s got millions in speaking fees, a reality show on TLC, and a constant spot on Fox News where their hosts lick her asshole clean on a nightly basis. There is no way Sarah Palin’s going to let a daughter who has already shown questionable taste in men ruin that gravy train by spawning again. She probably had Bristol fitted for a cast-iron chastity belt as soon as she popped out her illegitimate child.”
“The Situation pisses Tag Larkin to no end,” says Tag Larkin. “The Situation says his name over and over again, shortening it and making it a verb. Tag Larkin does not need to do such pitiful things. Tag Larkin keeps the integrity of his given name by maintaining it as a proper noun.”
If this PSA gives out concussions, the next one Bristol makes on abstinence is sure to make you piss blood from its complete insipidness.