No, having a firebush doesn’t mean it burns down there

December 19, 2010

Considering how insipid TIME magazine can be, especially with their Man of the Year choices (Mark Zuckerberg?  Really?  Either TIME just found out what Facebook was this year or they really liked that Social Network movie more than everyone else), we took notice of something that could actually be relevant to someone’s interests.

TIME published an article about a recent report regarding the medical misconceptions out there pertaining to redheads and surgery, and whether they had any basis in fact or was just horseshit started way back when redheads were considered agents of the devil.  Turns out that while redheads do have a heightened sensitivity to pain they also have less sensitivity to most painkillers (save opiate pain killers, which redheads are more sensitive too).  It lists other things like redheads having a slightly higher likelihood to suffer hernias (though the evidence isn’t very strong), and redheads not being more prone to hemorrhaging while under the knife.

The article’s concluding paragraph…

Overall, the researchers concluded that even if redheads require a little extra handling on the operating table, trepidation among surgeons had more to do with stereotypes than with clinical evidence.”It would seem that the reputation of people with red hair for having increased perioperative risk is without any basis in fact and should only be used as an excuse of last resort by surgeons defending problematic bleeding or recurrent hernias,” concluded authors, Andrew L Cunningham and Christopher P Jones. Take that, blonds and brunettes!

We have to point out that we have two redheads among our Renal Failure Player: Samurai Cathy and Marlie, so we tapped them to discuss how they feel about this study’s findings.

“D’they say an’thin about whether redheads suffer fram liver cirrhosis slauwer ar’ fastar than blaunds n’ brunettes?”  says Marlie, drinking from her second coffee pot full of whiskey of the day .  “If it daesn’t then I’m nae interested.”

Note: science cannot check to see if Marlie has a heightened sense of pain because she spends very few hours of her day sober.

“I wasn’t familiar with the anesthesia thing with redheads,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “I never take it when I’m at the dentist, but that’s because I don’t want to be unconscious and vulnerable.  Ninja Vicki might try to kill me in my nitrous-induced sleep, or I might have a secret pervert dentist who gropes his patients while they’re under.  I mean, Dr. Victimizer has been my dentist for years and he does good work, but a samurai never lets her guard down.”

And as a control, we had to find a non-redhead to show this article to.  And since Samurai Cathy was involved, you know Ninja Vicki, a natural blond,  just had to offer up her opinion on her redheaded blood enemy.

“I didn’t know that redheads were more sensitive to pain,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “But it does explain why Catherine cried like a little bitch when I nailed her in the left butt-cheek with a throwing star back when we were sophomores.  Man, she never saw it coming and then she was all… “AHHH!  AHHH!”  I didn’t know she was a soprano, and I bet she didn’t know either until I threw that shuriken into her lopsided ass.”

“Victoria once gave a guy in high school such a horrible handjob that he turned gay,”  Samurai Cathy rebuts.

“Your womb is barren and inhospitable to life!”  Ninja Vicki retorts.

And once again, the cops are called to break up a sword fight at the food court of our local mall.



  1. Do my red streaks qualify me to ingest a lot of opiates as a research subject?

  2. so before my next surgery, i’m gonna dye it all red and demand opiates in the recovery room! sweet!

  3. Sadly, speaking as a demi-red (someone whose whole family has red shades in their hair inherited from a single flaming great-grandmother), I can attest the extra sensitivity part is true — but we also get the hang, by adolescence usually, of gutting out pain because, well what are the options? On two occasions I’ve been hooked up to a push-button opiate dispenser after surgery and both times, nurses scratched their heads because I wasn’t using it. Fuck, I walked around for three hours as a child with a broken arm because pain was more normal and tolerable than being yelled at for clumsiness.

    It’s like the research findings that women experience pain at lower levels of provocation but continue to tolerate it after men are yelling Uncle. Given how the race perpetuates itself, is that any surprise?

  4. Who’s Marlie?

    • Marlie is Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat’s Irish wife. She drinks whiskey out of a coffee pot and wants the British out of Northern Ireland.

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