Don’t Ask, But Do Run Tell That

December 21, 2010

When I heard that Congress had actually passed the repeal of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell to clear the way for homosexuals to serve in the American military, I went straight over to Tina the Lesbian’s house, expecting her to be drunk with joy and tequila.  Instead, she was just chilling on her couch, watching one of those shows where making cakes is a contest.

“I’m not celebrating until Obama signs it into law,”  Tina the Lesbian says.  “I’m waiting for it to be official before I expend any jubilation, because the gays have been burned before.”

“And what kind of jubilation will you be expending?”  I ask.

“I’m calling up John McCain’s office and telling him to go fuck himself,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Is spite really the best choice of celebrating the advancement of gay civil rights?”  I say.

“In this case, yes,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “If McCain had won the election in 2008, he’d be vetoing this.  He certainly worked his ass off in the Senate trying to block it from passing.  And since I’m not joining the military, the only way I can participate in this victory for gay civil rights is to yell at the people who fought so hard to prevent it and gloat about it like my sports team won.”

“I don’t think after the Civil Rights Act got passed that Martin Luther King went around the South sitting at formerly segregated lunch counters screaming at racist rednecks ‘Oh yeah motherfuckers!   Who has to sit with Negros now?  You do, you honkey-ass crackers!'”   I say.

“No, but someone else probably did,”  says Tina the Lesbian. “And besides, MLK was banging white girls during those marching days.  If that ain’t a big ‘fuck you’ to racist peckerwoods…”

“Yup, ain’t nothing that scares racists more than other races banging their women,”  I say.  “Maybe you should wait until gay marriage is legal in all 50 states and then tell John McCain that you’re coming to steal his wife and marry her.”

“Eew, why I would I want her?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “She banged John McCain.”

“You’d be fucking her out of spite, remember?” I say.

“I’m not that spiteful,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I’m just spiteful enough to call John McCain up and tell him to go fuck himself for standing so stridently and unnecessarily on the wrong side of a such an important moment in advancing gay acceptance in America. Plus it makes me feel better about having that Obama for President sign on my lawn back in ’08. A little more good stuff like that, please.”

“So who are you calling when gay marriage gets legalized?” I say.

“I think I’ll be dignified for that victory for gay rights,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But as for Don’t Ask Don’t Tell being repealed, for as much bullshit we went through to end that awful policy, I think we get to have a little asshole time to celebrate.”

I decide that I too want to get in on some asshole time, so I call up Sean and Lucia Wheatley, our local couple who are scared of everything FOXNews tells them to be, and inform them that because of the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell repeal the Air Force has now officially become the Bear Force, and that we’ve brought back the gay bomb to drop from our gay planes. I believe the Wheatleys have locked themselves in the basement again, hoping that the renovations to the downstairs rec room will keep out the homoton particles from the gay bombs.  Every so often I knock on their door just to tell them to stay down in the basement because it’s much too gay outside.  I wonder if I can trick them to stay down there long enough to consider cannibalism.


  1. “Every so often I knock on their door just to tell them to stay down in the basement because it’s much too gay outside.”

    Rf, that is hysterical!!!

  2. can the air force gay bomb scarlett johanssen for me? just for a couple months…

  3. Inspirational, dude! Hammer Time has just been trumped.

  4. Could Tina not celebrate by having lesbian sex with someone who’s in the military.

    I know that’s what I’m doing.

  5. The last time I tricked someone into cannibalism I lost a hand.

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