Now that it’s December 26th, I can stop caring about you for another year

December 26, 2010

I can hardly believe Wesley Willis has been dead for seven years…

Oh yeah, Christmas is a wonderful time… unless you’ve got families that your lifestyle is completely divergent from, such as the case with Tina the Lesbian (aka T. Lesbian) and Ninja Vicki.

Tina the Lesbian gets along fine with her sister Jennifer the Straight and her brother Patrick the Thrice-Divorced, but her parents haven’t figured out how to handle having a lesbian daughter.  Some times they deal with it like a novelty or trend, something she’d grow out of.  Other times they take on over-accepting airs of their daughter’s lesbianism, but the breadth of their homosexual knowledge is whatever they’ve seen on television so it comes across as patronizing.  And then there are the times when they try very, very hard to ignore the fact that their daughter is a lesbian, a facade that always cracks halfway through dinner with some comment from either Tina’s wine-drinking mom, whiskey-drinking dad, or NaNa who thinks Tina is going to burn in hell for munching box.

Ninja Vicki is an only child, and thus her parents are constantly wanting to know when she is going to get married and crank out a grandchild or two.  And while Ninja Vicki has explained to them on numerous occasions that her ninja vocation leaves her little time for courtship, marriage, and child bearing, they still inquire about her progress in those areas anyway.  Ninja Vicki finds her mom’s passive-aggressive methods more grating than her dad’s intermittent yet direct questions.  In the past, Vicki’s mom has left out dating articles on the coffee table for Vicki to read,  set Vicki up on a blind date,  and has bought Vicki a year’s membership to e-Harmony that Vicki let lapse.  Her dad, however, just comes out and asks her if she’s gay.

So this year, T. Lesbian and Ninja Vicki have used the excuse of impending inclement weather to forgo their family obligations and spent Christmas over at Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat and Marlie’s place.  Bernie has no family, having been constructed in a Portuguese Intelligence laboratory for reasons that have long been forgotten, and Marlie’s family in Ireland disowned her years ago because she married a cat.  Together they ordered out for Chinese food because no one could cook.  Well, Marlie can cook but she was too drunk to put together her usual Irish stew.  And finally, Tina the Lesbian and Ninja Vicki had a Christmas gathering that didn’t cause them infuriating stress because their families don’t understand the choices they’ve made in their lives… because Bernie and Marlie don’t give a shit whether Tina or Vicki get married or have kids.

On the brighter side, Mikka has the best time at Christmas because he brings Samurai Cathy with him to hang with his family and eat whatever Finnish people eat on Christmas.  Probably something fish-related.   Mikka’s mom and dad are so relieved that no only has he met someone but that they’ve been together for three years that they lavish Cathy with gifts and attention.  And Mikka’s younger sister Riikka is happy for that because it takes the attention off her for not being married yet.

The second-happiest Christmas is probably had by Tag Larkin who gets drunk off jug wine and goes stomping through the various Nativity scenes set up outside the churches in our town, declaring himself to be some sort of Biblical Godzilla.  “Rrrrarrr!  On this day a Savior is born… and crushed under the mighty heel of Tag Larkin!   No rest for you merry gentlemen, for Tag Larkin brings tidings of jug wine and ass-kicking to this little town of Bethlehem!”

Avonia the Wiccan Pimp celebrates Yule, so her holiday season ended on the Winter Solstice, whatever it is that pagans do for Yule.  I think it has something to do with getting drunk with the trees.

And no one knows what Anonymous Doug does for Christmas. Or who he does for that matter.



  1. Now we know a bit about where Bernie came from. I’m counting on you to ferret out the reason that someone in Portuguese Intelligence wanted a half-cyborg cat. Someone SOMEWHERE must remember.

  2. The day at Bernie’s sounds a bit like what went down at my place yesterday. Except at one point, my daughter had to explain to her friends that her mother was going to come up from the basement looking for more bourbon, dressed as a giant toddler…

  3. I wonder how long it’ll be before Mikka’s folks start asking awkward questions about marriage and babies and Samurai Cathy will be forced to kill them.

  4. More to the point RF, what did you do for xmas? And why weren’t you spending it in my bed?

  5. How lucky for all the people ordering out that they had a restaurant in town that was open for business. They would have been very hungry around this neck of the woods.

    Sounds like the alternative plans went well. . .

    Now all we have to do is survive the New Year and we’ll be good for the next couple of months until St. Patrick’s day.

  6. My mother likes to jibe me about when I’m going to provide her with a grandchild. My responses are usually one of three stock answers:

    I remind her that she already has some and then some, though not by blood. “Your step-daughter’s daughter has already had a daughter so you are really already a great-grandparent.”

    I remind her of the age difference between her and my father, “If I were to pursue a woman the same age in relation to me as you were to dad, I would be cruising for highschool sophomores.”

    Or I simply tell her that I’m gay, which I’m not, but the assertion pleases my biological father, who is.

    Happy Giftmas

    • I’m thinking that grandchildren are highly over rated.

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