You couldn’t end the world on a Monday?January 6, 2011
There’s a Christian group saying that they figured out through the Bible when God is scheduled to start ending the world, that date being May 21, 2011. Yeah, on a Saturday, so I’m betting the bars might be crowded on Friday night the 20th. That’s why the Renal Failure players are drinking it up now: so we can beat the rush and suss out where on the lunacy scale we should file this.
“So the Rapture kicks things off on the 21st of May, claims the crazy guy on the radio who figured this out,” says Tina the Lesbian, better known as T. Lesbian here in The Eleven, which is what we’re calling 2011, because it’s superfly dope, y’all. “So all the believers get brought up to heaven while the rest of us stay here for a period of torment that the crazy guy says will conclude with the end of everything sometime in October. Well, it’s good I know ahead of time how to plan my apocalypse. I’m a busy lesbian. I’ve got important lesbian things to do.”
“At least we get one last summer in,” says Anonymous Doug. “Ladies, now is not the time to go soft on your weight-loss plans to get that beach body you wanted to get. You want to look nice and firm for when you slip on that string bikini and slide into the gaping maw of Hell. Lucifer hates your backfat.”
“Well, at least I’ll get a few months of Marvel vs. Capcom 3 in before the end of days,” says Mikka, accepting that this might be the the last video game he plays before history ends (but at least he’ll be playing as a hot redhead with rocket boots). “However, that means I’ll only get a month with the new Mortal Kombat game. Sorry, MK, should have scheduled around the apocalypse better.”
“What’s the point of telling people that the end is near?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, who if he were a god – and he is because he’s a cat – that he’d keep Armageddon a secret and hit Earth with it like he was pouncing on an unsuspecting bird or squirrel. “So that people can repent now and sneak into Heaven under the wire? Is that all it takes to get into Heaven? Pulling an all-nighter of virtuous belief after decades of vice and hedonism? I’ve seen vo-tech schools with more picky admissions standards than what’s supposed to be Final Paradise for your unworthy soul.”
“Maybe they’re not asking for people to repent to be saved,” says Samurai Cathy, whose Shinto faith doesn’t include an Armageddon or anything else resembling a Michael Bay movie. “Maybe they’re just being cocky, convinced that they’ll be Raptured and everyone else won’t and so they have to get their smack-talking in now before they disappear from the physical realm.”
Ninja Vicki likes this quote from the story…
“If May 21 passes and I’m still here, that means I wasn’t saved. Does that mean God’s word is inaccurate or untrue? Not at all,” (Allison) Warden said.
“Well, if no one else gets Raptured either it means you were totally fucking wrong or God didn’t see fit to let a single human being into Heaven,” says Ninja Vicki. “And it completely sucks for you because your ass believed in all this bullshit and you still didn’t get Raptured.”
“Everyone thinks history ends with them, and they’re always wrong,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, whose pagan religion also doesn’t have an end-of-the-world scenario, probably because if The Goddess was going to snuff out all life on Earth eventually they wouldn’t worship her for pulling such a dick move. “And furthermore, why does God need to hide puzzles in the Bible about the most catastrophic thing ever? I will not pray to The Riddler, I’m sorry. I have invoked the name of Durga, the multi-armed Hindu goddess who rides a tiger, in times of need but may I be spiritually bitchslapped if I ever pray to the damn Riddler.”
“Tag Larkin will be the last man standing when the world ends,” proclaims Tag Larkin, who we’ve always suspected would bring about the end of the reality. “And from the void, Tag Larkin will bring forth a new universe, full of Tag Larkin and tallboys of Schlitz and leather-bound valkyries of lust who live only for the hard-pumping that Tag Larkin bestows upon them whenever Tag Larkin isn’t cockwhipping galaxies into existence.”
I’d like to know what kind of deity selects a hard date on the calendar thousands of years in advance to destroy existence. Why does God need to schedule anything? The end of all life does not need to be treated like a freakin’ wedding date.