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An elegant weapon for a more civilized nerd

January 9, 2011

A recent article on Slate got our attention solely because of its title: “Swords The murder weapon of nerds.”  The strongest quote in this snarky, contrarian piece about sword-murder is this:

The archetypical sword murderer, for his part, is a 20- to 40-year-old white male who still lives with his parents. He’s often a paranoid schizophrenic, and he often expresses himself by killing his mother or father.

Obviously the author of this piece, one Daniel Engber, does not know about our own Ninja Vicki or Samurai Cathy.

“Out of the many people I’ve killed, not one of them have been my mother or father,”  Ninja Vicki says, a proud sword owner and murderer.  “Hell, none of them have even been a relative.”

“I didn’t kill my parents,”  says Samurai Cathy, another proud sword owner.  “That boating accident did.  Can I conflate that isolated event to say that boats are for people who want to orphan their children?”

“And guns are for insecure and paranoid douches who have neither the intelligence or dexterity to properly wield the steel,”  says Ninja Vicki, whose only projectile weaponry in her arsenal are throwing stars, blow-darts, and black eggs filled with ground-up glass and curry powder that she throws in people’s faces to blind them before gutting them.  “But since guns have a billion-dollar lobbying organization behind them, that fact is covered-up by anti-sword propaganda. Where’s the sword lobby group to counteract this bullshit?”

“Swords and bladed weapons deserve more respect than what this guy is giving them,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Guns only shoot bullets in one direction: straight out of the barrel.  But a sword or a knife can come at you from all sorts of angles and slice your ass up.”

In the interest of fairness, I mention to Vicki and Cathy that Mikka is an avid sword collector, video game aficionado, and purveyor of nerd culture such as, among other things, Star Wars, Star Trek, and anime.   Aside from not living with his parents or murdering them, he kind of fits the profile pretty well.

“Those swords are purely decorative,” says Samurai Cathy, who has spent many a night at Mikka’s studio apartment.  “And I have spent the last couple years training him how to fight with a sword.  I assure you he is not ready to take life with that weapon yet.”

“Mikka also collects hockey jerseys of both NHL and international variety,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “The nerds this douchebag writer is referring to have no such connection to the sporting world.”

I think what I’ve learned here is that ninjas and samurais are really touchy about their swords, and that I had forgotten reading Slate for the most part is like cutting off the oxygen to your brain for a little bit.

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6 comments

  1. What? Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy are in agreement about something?


    • Shocking, ain’t it? Might be the first and last time for that.


  2. What Daniel Engber fails to realise is that after the sword-wielding nerd kills his parents, he no longer lives with them and therefore no longer fits the archetype. Seems like a pretty efficient way to break out of the demographic, if you ask me.


  3. How apropo that the only truly heartless killers are both women. Take that Tag Larkin.


  4. Do you know when I read that article I thought immediately, “Send it to RF.” But then I held off a while to see how long it took you to spot it.


    • And I found it by accident too… I don’t get as much time to dick around the internet as I used to.



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