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The tears of bottomless sadness and disintegrating sexual desire

January 9, 2011

We recently came across this article and felt it needed a closer look solely on its title: “Stop the Waterworks; Crying Chicks Aren’t Sexy.”

Brian Alexander writes:As any man with the slightest experience knows, a woman’s tears are powerful tools, eliciting abject apologies, unexpected confessions and urgent begging of “Honey, stop, please.” But one thing they are not, is sexy.

Now a team of Israeli neuroscientists think they know why. Emotional tears shut down male desire.

Apparently emotional tears from women (tears that they’re shedding because they’re upset, not because they were chopping onions or spraying themselves in the face with pepper spray )have a hormone in them that drops testosterone levels in men, lessening sexual arousal.  Interesting news, so I wanted to double-check it with my expert who’s been around crying women a lot.

“I happen to disagree with that,” says Anonymous Doug, who knows women even if they don’t remember him. “When that chick in Silence of the Lambs is crying at the bottom of that well when Buffalo Bill tells her to put the lotion on its skin, I thought that was hot.”

I inform Anonymous Doug that the test involved being in front of the crying woman, not watching her cry on a TV screen from a movie made almost 20 years ago. And that crying was more out of mortal fear than sadness.

“Well, it’s still not true because as that Bloodhound Gang song goes, ‘The Lap Dance is Always Better When the Stripper is Crying,'”  rebuts Anonymous Doug.  “And they’re right.  Those have been the best lap dances I’ve ever gotten and it didn’t ruin my sexual desire one bit.”

I inform Anonymous Doug that perhaps the hormones in women’s emotional tears may get blocked by the smells of spilled beer, sweat, and desperation that permeates the atmosphere of most strip clubs.

“All right, so all you have to do is create a sensory barrier to counteract the hormones in women’s tears and you can stay horny,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Like have a bottle of Sexual Febreze nearby and spray the crying bitch down so she doesn’t ruin your good horny mood.  I would definitely use it the next time some chick drags me to some chick-flick where she gets all weepy over it.  Why does my night have to be ruined because her stupid tears are the hormonal equivalent of pouring a bucket of ice straight into my crotch, right?  Sexual Febreze could have saved many a date for me back in the day.”

If any of our readers are chemists, could you start work on Sexual Febreze for us right away.  We’ll cut you in on the profits once we sell it to Proctor and Gamble for billions.

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5 comments

  1. How about Anonymous Doug branded noseplugs?


    • That doesn’t sound very sexy to me Kyk


  2. “i find it’s quite a thrill, when she grinds me against her will…” – those stripper tears are more ‘withdrawl from meth’ than ’emotion’…


  3. I always cry during sex.

    It might be the pepper spray.



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