No one ever got dumped over Shaolin Soccer

January 11, 2011

We at Renal Failure have some nontraditional outlooks on the concept of love.  But all of them are way better than what we found in this ridiculous article on CNN called “Romantic Films Put Too Much Pressure on Guys?

Does “The Notebook” cause breakups?

That’s star Ryan Gosling’s claim. He says the blockbuster chick-flick destroyed another man’s plans to marry. The reported link between movie and breakup was noted on CNN’s The Marquee Blog.

In the 2004 romance, Gosling’s character wins the heart of his soul mate by presenting her with a house he painstakingly has restored himself. Gosling told IFC about a guy whose fiancé asked him if he would do the same for her. When the guy said he didn’t know how, the engagement was off.

That’s not the first documented “Notebook” casualty. In 2007, actress and singer Jessica Simpson told People magazine that she gave up on her marriage to Nick Lachey after watching the film. She said she had hoped to save her marriage until she saw the “great love story.”

“I don’t know whether this is better or worse than the women who think that the Twilight books and movies are the ideal version of love,”  says Tina the Lesbian, whose concept of love apparently involves neglecting their friends, picking up all the same musical taste, clothing, and food preferences as her lover, and buying a lot of IKEA furniture.  “But what I do know is that if your concept of love is taken from the media, you’re only setting yourself up for catastrophic disappointment.  And you’re also retarded.”

“Just when I think I couldn’t have a lower opinion of Jessica Simpson…”  says Ninja Vicki, whose concept of romance is being smitten with men when they don’t want her, and ignoring them when they do.  “The Notebook convinced her not to save her marriage, but what movie convinced her to be a no-talent embarrassment to the entire female gender?”

“Would the male equivalent to this sort of thing be that the couple watched the greatest porno of all time and the guy says to the girl ‘Would you let me do those things to you in our bedroom?’ and the girl says no and then the guy leaves her because of that?”  says Anonymous Doug, whose concept of romance involves women with low self-esteem, a lot of liquor, and deviant sex acts that sometimes require a plastic tarp.  “But even if that happened, I don’t think I’d blame the porno for that.”

“As a samurai I have no such delusional expectations of my boyfriend,”  says Samurai Cathy, who dates Mikka and whose concept of romance involves someone who will let her keep her socks on during sex, or someone who doesn’t mind that she’s missing two toes.  “I don’t want a man to build a house for me.  I want a man who will avenge my death… and I didn’t need a movie to tell me that.”

“I hate that the other 4/5ths of the article is just comments from readers,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, whose has evolved past the concept of romance.  “Is this what the news of the future is going to be?  Something happened and we couldn’t be bothered to do any research or investigating into it so we’re just going to get a bunch of pseudonymous commenters to tells us what they think so we can hit our word total for this article and go on to the next poorly-written nugget of pseudo-news.”

To be fair, there was this little paragraph that asked someone who had some sort authority on the subject…

Matt Atchity, editor-in-chief of Rotten Tomatoes, the popular film review aggregation site, says a lot of the most successful romantic movies have one thing in common: A grand dramatic gesture.

“And do you know what all those grand dramatic gestures in those movies have in common?”  says Mikka, who dates Samurai Cathy and whose concept of romance likely involves women with swords or women in schoolgirl outfits or women in tight jumpsuits.  “They all succeed.  And they succeed because they’re scripted to succeed.  Real life isn’t scripted.  It mostly involves humiliating, crushing constant failure.  If you make a grand gesture to your woman, like proposing to her on the big screen at a hockey game, and she doesn’t go for it… holy shit, you’ll never put your ass on the line like that for love ever again.”

“I’d much rather have a lot of little gestures than a single big gesture,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, whose concept of romance involves fucking outside.  Or a lot of candles.  ” A guy does one big gesture and then he gets it in his head that that’s all he has to do anymore.  And if you say anything he’s like ‘Hey, I built you a fucking house.  What more can I give you?’  And then you want to ditch him but everyone’s like ‘Dude, he built you a house,” and then you’re the asshole when you do finally leave.”

“All of Tag Larkin gestures are grand!”  says Tag Larkin, whose has no concept of romance, just a concept of madly-fucking women.   And then he throws over a nearby table.   “Movies watch Tag Larkin to learn what to do!   Tag Larkin is the great love story!  Woman meets Tag Larkin.  Tag Larkin bangs woman over her kitchen counter.  Credits roll.  Directed by Tag Larkin. Produced by Tag Larkin.  Stunts by Tag Larkin.”

I’ve never seen The Notebook and probably never will, but now I know that movie is a red flag when looking at an online dating profile.  Perhaps since it doesn’t have vampires it’s a more insidious red flag than a girl who likes Twilight because of its lack of vampires and lack of author wish fulfillment.



  1. Stephen Chow’s movies are certainly more realistic than ‘The Notebook’.

  2. if i want a house built, i’d rather do it myself. my idea of romance is: show up. with beer. naked.

  3. One of the most romantic gestures I was ever shown was when a boyfriend put water and oil in my car and air in the tyres.

    I’m kind of easy to please

  4. Actually, Mikka is so wise when he points out that the grand gestures succeed in the movies because they are scripted to succeed. Real life is not scripted.

    If that truth could be gotten across to all the 15 year olds who think they have found the love of their life on Facebook, we might have less divorces.

  5. I was dumped immediately after seeing Titanic because I refused to tell my then-girlfriend that I would sacrifice my life for her.

    Perhaps I should not have used the words, “Maybe if you were a little prettier” she would have stuck around.

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