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Responsibility? That sounds like communist talk…

January 12, 2011

I remember the time many, many years ago when Psycho Dave ran for political office.  Might have been 2002 or 2004… the double-naughts were a wild time, man.  Anyway, he was running against State Representative Jim Cougar, who had won his seat in the 80’s when he claimed to be John Cougar Mellancamp’s half-brother and everyone believed it and then when it turned out he wasn’t no one really gave a shit because by then Mellancamp dropped the Cougar part of his name and started singing on car commercials.

Anyway, Psycho Dave ran a really dirty campaign… the low point being the fliers he put up around town saying “Let’s Shove a Baseball Bat Up Jim Cougar’s Ass and Break It Off.”  And there was a picture of Representative Cougar x-ed out by two Louisville Sluggers.  And if that wasn’t bad enough, one night someone actually went and shoved a baseball bat up Mr. Cougar’s ass and broke it off.

“Do you feel any portion of responsibility for what happened to Rep. Cougar?”  I asked Psycho Dave, being the only member of the press he would talk to.  And by “press” I don’t mean that I worked for a newspaper or television or radio station; I just typed up things and stuffed the papers in trees for the squirrels to read because they need to know about current events more than humans.  “Do you think you contributed to an atmosphere where someone could deem it appropriate to act upon the violent rhetoric and imagery you’ve been supplying to the public at-large?”

“Look, when I allude to baseball bats violating my opponent’s anus and being broken off  while still inside, I am only talking in colorful metaphors,”  says Psycho Dave, holding a press conference while standing in my bathtub because of the acoustics.  “And when we start outlawing metaphors then only outlaws will have metaphors, and then how will America describe things?  Illegally, that’s how!  And that is not what our founding fathers intended!”

“But metaphors are used to creatively compare one thing to another,”  I say.  “The whole baseball bat up Mr. Cougar’s ass thing actually happened to the letter… no metaphor, simile, or hyperbole about it.”

“Well, while you’re talking about hyperbole, I’m talking about the issues that affect this congressional district,”  says Psycho Dave.  “Issues like why does Representative Cougar live in a hotel room?”

“Because you put out a commercial a month ago saying ‘Go to Rep. Cougar’s House and Commit Arson,”  I say. “And then someone torched his house to the ground.”

“What that ad says in full is ‘This November, Go To Rep. Cougar’s House and Commit Arson Because He Face-Raped the Constitution and Wiped His Dick with the American Flag: Vote Psycho Dave For Great Justice,'” says Psycho Dave.  “And the arson didn’t happen in  November, it happened in June.”

“I don’t think timing is the issue,”  I say.  “I’m pretty sure it’s the arson.”

“Yeah, well the arsonist wasn’t registered to my political party at the time, so it has nothing to do with me,”  says Psycho Dave.  “And he most recently rented that Batman movie where Arnold Schwarzenegger is Mr. Freeze.  Obviously someone aligned with my interests wouldn’t have rented a movie that I have such hate and disgust for.”

“If a person of consequence put out an ad saying that someone should kick my imaginary wife in the cunt, and then someone actually does punt my wife betwixt the wickets, I’m not going to go bother looking at the cunt-kicker’s voter registration card or his Netflix queue,”   I say.  “And after I take care of that asshole, I’m going to look at the person of consequence who put out the ad saying someone should kick my wife in the cunt and tell that person that, while he didn’t commit the kicking himself, he sure as fuck had something to do with it.”

“Hey, why has there been no mention of the violent rhetoric of my opponent?”  says Psycho Dave.  “He says he needs help to be victorious in November.  Victorious how?  Like a horde of Viking rapists?  Pillaging my land and burning my village and ravaging my women?  My opponent won’t say, but I think it’s clear what he means with his blue eyes and blonde hair and that one time he was in a canoe.”

“Even if that had any semblance of truth to it, the issue isn’t that both sides do it therefore no one is guilty,”  I say.  “The issue is that one side, namely yours, does it a lot fucking more and a lot fucking harder.  It’s like the difference between Mikka and a porn star.  Yes, both have sex, but one of them is doing a lot more fucking than the other.  You have to look at context.”

Note: This was back before Mikka was dating Samurai Cathy, back when Mikka was lucky as hell to get a drunk hook-up once a year.  Lean times, man.  Lean times…

“And what about the context that no one has acted upon any of my other ads against Mr. Cougar?”  says Psycho Dave.  “There was the Smash Rep. Cougar’s Windshield With a Brick if You Love Freedom ad, and has his windshield been smashed?  No.  And what about my ad saying Throw A Flaming Bucket of Your Feces at Jim Cougar, Godless Devourer of Babies Straight From Your Womb?  Did anyone throw a flaming bucket of feces at him?   I think not.  Why do I not get credit for the things that didn’t happen?”

“Because the news doesn’t report on all the murders that didn’t happen today,”  I say.  “But you were playing dice against the chaos of society with your constant demonization and violent imagery in the media and this time you rolled snake eyes and the chaos responded by lashing out in the form you had predetermined.  Oh sure, you didn’t mean to… it just popped in there… but it’s too late and now the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man is here, but instead of destroying New York he sodomized your political opponent with a baseball bat.  You’re not legally responsible or liable, but you share moral responsibility for it.”

“Look, I’m not responsible for what marshmallow men or crazy people do regarding the things I express for wide public consumption to shape public opinion, and I’ve been very responsible with what I’ve said and done during this entire campaign,”  says Psycho Dave.  “I mean, it’s not like I: 1) published a chart consisting of gun targets on a group of people I opposed; 2) employed a constant stream of provocative phrases and images regarding guns in my communications to the media and society at-large; 3) cultivated the support of citizens holding signs saying things like “We Came Unarmed… This Time”; 4) fed into their paranoia by telling them that we have to defeat these targeted people or else they’ll destroy America, steal your guns, and enslave you under socialist Sharia death panels; 5) supported other political candidates who recklessly throw around phrases like ‘second amendment remedies’ or refreshing the tree of liberty with people’s blood… (catches breath)… and then after all that one of the people I targeted on the chart ended up getting shot in the head along with a bunch of other innocent bystanders.  I mean, that would make me a fucking awful human being, wouldn’t it?  What kind of asshole would I be if all that happened?”

Well, asshole or not, Psycho Dave ended up losing that election, probably because he put his name down to be listed on the official ballot as Ramon Cunnilinguini and our district has a strong anti-Italian bias.

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7 comments

  1. RF – you’re married?!?!?

    I’m crushed.


    • Don’t worry. I got an imaginary divorce from my imaginary wife in 2004, and I got to keep my imaginary kitchen appliances too.


      • It’s the imaginary kids that always suffer.


  2. Completely lost my comment in light of the comments. Dang.


  3. what do we have to do to get you an OpEd slot somewhere? i don’t think “Reader’s Digest” or the “My Turn” slot in Time will work… This is perhaps the most intelligent commentary on this issue i’ve read.


  4. was i the only one LOLing @ the “cunt-kicker” paragraph?


  5. If I get cunt-punted anytime soon, I’m drunk emailing you and demanding revenge.



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