Ground Control to Major Mittens…

January 15, 2011

Clearly as this video shows, humanity has only one choice when Feline Judgment Day comes and the cats start rounding up humans to work the kitty litter mines and the catnip fields until such time as the cat overloads see fit to feed all of humanity into the kibble grinders:  we must escape into space because cats cannot handle weightlessness.

“Oh, we’ll figure that shit out soon enough,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “Just like how we figure out how to get into boxes, we’ll figure out how to handle being weightless.”

“Right, but until then weightlessness really freaks the shit out of cats,”  I say.

“Our brilliant kitty minds have already worked out the theories of living in multiple dimensions simultaneously,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “It’s just that our perfectly-honed bodies have only mastered this meager 3-dimensional realm and all of its laws of physics, like how to sneak up on prey or how to make a kitten pile.  But once we get some training under our kitty belts, we’ll be ready to chase your asses into space and through the vortex of time itself.”

I think humanity has to keep cats off the moon, because it has gravity but a lot less of it so the cats natural abilities will only be enhanced.  So that’s why we need to destroy the moon, preferably by having Tag Larkin fight it.

But until then, I’ll just keep watching the weather report…

Looks like this is a good year to be born in the Year of the Rabbit.



  1. Yes Umi I like your new outfit

  2. i wanna see Al Roker do that. i’d invite him to my party.

  3. Just think on this.

    Can you think of another flightless animal that is statistically more likely to survive a fall from a tenth story window than a third story window. I can’t.

    Fucking terrifying.

  4. What’s up i am kavin, its my first occasion to commenting
    anyplace, when i read this paragraph i thought i could also create comment
    due to this sensible article.

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