Your definition of service may differ… greatlyJanuary 17, 2011
“So Martin Luther King Day is supposed to be a day of service to the community, right?” says Anonymous Doug.
“Correct,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, standing on her usual street corner. “Wait, are you drinking vodka straight out of the bottle in public?”
“Never mind that,” says Anonymous Doug. “What I want to know is why aren’t your whores out giving free stuff today to the less fortunate?”
“I don’t believe that’s what Congress had in mind when they passed that resolution saying that today is a Day of Service,” says Avonia.
“Congress didn’t have gatling guns and grenade launchers in mind when they drafted the second amendment either,” says Doug. “That doesn’t mean they’re not covered. So where’s the free whore sex?”
“Actually I thought it better to have my girls plant new trees in the park today,” says Avonia.
“What good will whore-planted trees do for the hundreds – nay, thousands – of people who go about their lives without knowing the fleeting lusty touch of a rented woman?” says Doug. “I think they’ll gladly forgo some shade for a blowjob, and they’ll be a lot more thankful for it too.”
“I don’t think I’m comfortable with the concept of prostitution as charity,” says Avonia.
“Dude, pity fucks are the ultimate charity,” says Anonymous Doug. “That’s much more of a service than working in a soup kitchen or delivering food to shut-ins.”
“But how do you weed out the truly needy for charity prostitution from those just looking for free sex?” says Avonia.
“I don’t know… market research?” says Anonymous Doug. “How do people figure out who really needs charity clothes and who just wants free old coats and shit? How do they know who’s really hungry and who just wants free soup?”
“If you saw where you have to go to get those things, you’d be damn sure you really needed them before going there,” says Avonia. “But on top of the moral quandary of charitable prostitution, there’s also the business aspect to think about. I can’t just be giving my girls away for free. That cuts into my bottom line.”
“Don’t you know any drug dealers?” says Doug. Avonia shakes her head. “Well, I do and I know how they work. The first one’s free, and that snares the customer in and keeps them coming back for more. Let ’em sample the wares and get ’em hooked for life!”
“Pimps may treat their whores rather shabbily, but none of them have ever treated them like the free sample stand at Costco,” says Avonia. “And while I don’t know exactly why that is, I’m pretty sure there’s a good economic reason for why no pimp employs the ‘free sample’ tactic.”
“You know, Avonia, for someone so in-tune with their spiritual side, you’re really a cold-hearted materialistic capitalist at heart,” says Doug.
“That’s the pimp in me, not the Wiccan,” says Avonia. “The Wiccan in me wants to protect these ladies, these daughters of the Goddess, from the ravages of the streets. The pimp in me, however, wants her damn money or she’s putting her rings on and witchslapping the taste out somebody’s mouth. And furthermore, I don’t see you volunteering your time to give charity head to girls who don’t get any.”
“I’ve made love plenty of times to unfortunate-looking girls,” says Anonymous Doug. “I just thought they were a lot better looking the night before at the bar at 3am after 15 beers.”
“No charity involves beer goggles,” says Avonia.
“Well, if more charities did there’d be a lot more people volunteering their time,” says Doug. “I’d get drunk for the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals, no problem. With enough drinks I will volunteer my time to be the best wingman ever. If there’s a hot girl but she’s with her fugly cockblocking friend, I will fall on the grenade and take one for the team so the dude can get some hot ass if it will raise money to feed homeless veterans. Hell, send over some amputee chicks and I’ll skip the booze, bang them rotten, and give all the proceeds to the Special Olympics. I know charity.”
“No, you know drinking yourself blind and copulating with women of less discriminating taste,” says Avonia. “And maybe one day the Susan G. Komen Walk for the Cure will be replaced by the Anonymous Doug Drunk Sloppy Regrettable Sex Marathon in the Back of a Hyundai for the Cure. But it is not this day.”
What have we learned? When it comes to charity, Anonymous Doug is ahead of his time.