They don’t do the electric slide at a kitty reception

January 20, 2011

Play out the bride and groom, keyboard cat…

It’s not often that someone knocks at the door at Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat’s house.  Most Jehovah’s Witnesses, political canvassers, and Kirby vacuum salesmen know that many have gone to that house and few have survived to tell the tale of the cat who shoots rockets.

Anyway, Bernie drags himself off of the top of the TV (because it’s warm up there), pokes his head through the kitty door at the bottom of the real door (because Bernie has trouble with people doors), and finds our local scared-of-everything couple Sean and Lucia Wheatley standing on his front porch.

“Stop threatening our marriage!”  Lucia yells at Bernie.

Bernie cocks his head to the side, like most cats do when something befuddles the shit out of them.  “I’m not threatening you, but that does seem like a good idea.”

“You’re not threatening us,”  says Sean Wheatley.  “You’re threatening our marriage.”

“There’s going to be a cat marriage in New York,”  says Lucia.  “Between two males cats.”

“It’s a gay cat marriage,”  says Sean.  “And that’s a dangerous threat to regular marriage.”

“We knew this would happen as soon as gay marriage became legal in certain states,” Lucia says.  “Now the cats are getting married.  Tomorrow it will be fish.  The day after that… furniture.  Where will it end?”

“You do know that I’m already married to an Irish woman, right?”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, stepping out onto the porch to properly size up his unwelcomed guests.

“If you’re married then where’s your ring?”  says Sean.

“Where am I going wear a ring?”  says Bernie.  “On my goddamn paw?”

“You could wear it on your collar, if you had a collar,”  says Lucia.

“Wait, why is it you don’t believe I’m married, but you have no problem with a half-cyborg cat speaking to you?”  says Bernie.

“We can suspend our disbelief for only so much,”  says Sean.  “Talking cat.  Sure, whatever.  There was a talking snake in the Bible, there certainly can be a talking cat.”

“And my grandma has a steel hip so she’s sort of half-cyborg too,”  says Lucia.  “But a cat married to a woman?  That’s just ridiculous.”

“No, seriously, I’ve been married for like six years,”  says Bernie.  “Where the hell have you people been?”

“We’re usually at Tina the Lesbian’s house making sure she doesn’t destroy our marriage with her lesbianism,”  says Sean.

“Yeah, we’ve never been this far up the block before,” says Lucia.

“Oh… so then you don’t know that I can do this,”  Bernie says, deploying the laser cannon out of his hip.  “Now fucking dance for me, pathetic humans!”

And that’s how it came to be that while drinking on my porch I saw the Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat chasing the Wheatleys down the street, firing his laser at them.  And here I initially thought my turpentine and gin cocktail was just really good today.



  1. but do they do the chicken dance?

  2. You have to applaud Bernie’s community spirit: showing the Wheatleys that there’s no need to be afraid of imagined horrors when there are real ones to fear.

  3. Turpentine? Please. James Bond uses only Varsol, shaken not stirred.

  4. Cats getting gay married is almost as bad as bisexual-bispecies-polygamy.

  5. I have a transgendered parrot. Is there someone out there that s/he can marry?

  6. I’m not gay but I’m really tempted to marry a man just because Sarah Palin says I shouldn’t be allowed to.

  7. Great stuff, got it book marked now…thanks

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