The grave of the unseen bar patron

January 25, 2011

When we go to the bar, we never send Mikka to get us drinks.  Not because he gets our drink orders wrong, but because bartenders don’t see him.  It’s not like he’s short – he’s a man of average height – and his spiky mane of Scandinavian hair is quite visible from many yards, but yet whenever he goes to a bar with more than five people at it, the bartender will always miss him and get everyone else’s orders.

“Yeah, so I’m waiting at the bar, and the bartender’s going right down the line of people,”  says Mikka.  “But then as soon as he serves the person next to me, he goes right back down the other end of the bar and starts the line again.  What the shit, dude?  He doesn’t even attempt to make eye contact or anything.  It’s like I’m a ghost, and then I start thinking I’m dead so I have to check with Avonia to see if I’m an actual spirit and she tells me ‘No, the bartender just sucks at his job.’  I’m glad to hear I’m not dead, but that doesn’t get a drink in my hand.”

This is usually why we send Tina the Lesbian (aka T. Lesbian) or Samurai Cathy to the bar to get our drinks.  Our working theory is that their breasts make them visible to bartenders, though it doesn’t explain how Anonymous Doug still gets served in a timely manner.

Note: the reason why most bars have a mirror along the back wall is to make sure bartenders can keep Anonymous Doug in sight because if they lose track of him his Anonymous Powers kick in and they forget whether he actually paid for his drink or not.

Ninja Vicki has breasts but is purposely invisible to bartenders because, in keeping with her ninja lifestyle, she steals her drinks.

Tag Larkin is always seen by bartenders, but you don’t want Tag Larkin getting your drinks because Tag Larkin doesn’t care what you want to drink.  Tag Larkin takes orders from one person in the universe, and that’s Tag Larkin.

Unfortunately Mikka is not Tag Larkin, nor does he have the reputation of Anonymous Doug that makes bartenders pay close attention to him, nor does he have breasts, and his ninja skills suck.  And unless any of those previous situations reverse themselves, Mikka is stuck suffering from Invisible-to-Bartender Syndrome (ITBS, because IBS is already taken by Irritable Bowel Syndrome, which in itself is its own reason for bartenders not serving you).  There are no telethons for this malady.  No 10K runs for the cure.  We don’t even have a ribbon for it yet.

Next time you see Mikka at the bar getting ignored by the bartender buy that invisible man a drink and end the cycle of sobriety.



  1. I used to have the same affliction as Mikka, so I finally threw in the towel and stopped drinking altogether.

  2. Maybe Mikka is destined for a life on the little red wagon

  3. Mikka needs this. will give him breasts AND a spare bottle of vodka. i own one of these. never again will i have to sit through bad theater sober…

  4. If I’m at a bar I don’t like, I’ll sit there with my money out and pout angrily when they ignore me, and then I’ll bitch to my friends about how the bartenders are fucking horrible and we should go to a better bar. So we go to a better bar, and I just flag down the bartenders without any trouble. Could I flag them down amongst the douchebags? Yes. I could. But I want something to bitch about because apparently, I’m crazy.

  5. Maybe if Mikka unleashed some of his Irritable Bowels on the bar counter and yelled, “this beer tastes like shit”, he’d get a little better service.

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