Treachery at $3.50 a box: Part TwoFebruary 5, 2011
Ninja Vicki’s quest for vengeance and Peanut Butter Patties brings her to the local wholesale club where Samurai Cathy is buying her body weight in rice because she can. Vicki makes her presence known by throwing a stiletto into one of the rice bags in Cathy’s cart.
“Stand and deliver, you thieving redheaded slut nugget!” Ninja Vicki yells from the top of the condiment racks in Aisle Fifteen, sword drawn. “Tell me where you stashed your Peanut Butter Patties and death will be quick.”
“Cookies are in Aisle 24,” Samurai Cathy says, mildly annoyed as she watches the rice drain out of her shopping cart to the floor.
“No, I’m talking about all those Peanut Butter Patties you bought off the Girl Scouts just so I couldn’t have any,” Ninja Vicki says, jumping down to the floor and swinging her sword about in a flash demonstration of her slicing prowess. “Your fiendish plot has been uncovered, and I am here to eat cookies and cut a bitch. And it doesn’t look like there’s a shortage of bitch to cut around here.”
Samurai Cathy yawns and leans against her shopping cart, not bothering to draw her blade. “I don’t even like Peanut Butter Patties. I’m into the Thin Mints.”
“You don’t need to like Peanut Butter Patties to buy them all just so I couldn’t have any,” says Ninja Vicki. “Oh, and furthermore, Thin Mints are for cum-gargling douche whores.”
“Victoria, there are much cheaper ways for me to annoy the piss out of you,” says Samurai Cathy. “And while I enjoy annoying you, I’m on a budget so there’s no way I would corner the market on Peanut Butter Patties just to watch you go all crazy bitchcakes.”
“That Girl Scout I cornered said she sold all of her Peanut Butter Patties to someone in a robe,” says Ninja Vicki. “You’re in a robe. Q.E.D. you bought all the Peanut Butter Patties.”
“Your powers of deduction are only trumped by your ability to get boyfriends,” Samurai Cathy snorts. “Other people in town wear robes, ya know? They let anyone wear them these days.”
Ninja Vicki lowered her sword as her brain started going through everyone she knew. “Marlie… she’s always wearing a bathrobe while she’s drinking at home. Damn treacherous Irish!”
“Yes, well, now that you’ve got the scent, little doggie, go get her and leave me the hell alone” says Samurai Cathy.
Ninja Vicki sinks another knife into a bag of rice in Samurai Cathy’s shopping cart before jumping back up to the top of the aisle rack and leaping from light fixture to light fixture to exit the wholesale club, leaving Samurai Cathy to stand next to a building pile of rice on the floor.
“This is why you’re going to die alone and unloved, Victoria!” Samurai Cathy yells at her nemesis. “Bullshit like this!”
To be continued…