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Keep your shirt on while on the Internet…unless you’re a hot chick

February 11, 2011

“Hey Doug, is there ever a good reason for a guy to take a picture of himself with his shirt off?”  I say.

“I’m sure there is,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Very particular, narrowly specific reasons that escape me right now, but they’re out there.  Somewhere…”

“Let me rephrase,”  I say.  “Is there ever a good reason for a guy to take a picture of himself with his shirt off and then send that picture to a woman on the internet who he is trying to have illicit sex with behind his wife’s back?”

“Hmm… probably not because the secret to successful cheating is to leave as little evidence as possible of your infidelity,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Maybe if you don’t take a picture of your face, that would be okay.”

“Let me rephrase again,”  I say.  “Is there ever a good reason for a US Congressman to take a picture of himself with his shirt off and face clearly visible and identifiable, and then send that picture to a woman on the internet who he is trying to have illicit sex with behind his wife’s back while using his real name and the email address that links to your Facebook page in the correspondence with the aforementioned woman on the internet?”

“No, that’s just stupid,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “But that sort of stupid is standard fare when it comes to going after pussy.  I’ve done some dumb shit in my quest to bang women.  Like pretending they have interesting things to say.  I mean, really…”

“Maybe we should be glad this congressman didn’t mail this woman a shot of his junk,”  I say.  “But he doesn’t seem digitally-savvy enough to do that.  I mean, he did the whole take a picture of yourself in a mirror thing instead of figuring out how the timer works on his camera phone.  That is some Myspace minor-league bullshit right there.  Does he think this is 2005?”

“Dude, you better have taken a picture of your cock in mid-spooge if you’re going to resign your congressional seat over being stupid with cheating on the Internet,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “That senator in Idaho got busted for soliciting gay sex in an airport bathroom and he stayed on the job for another full year and finished out his term.  Trolling for tail on Craigslist with an embarrassing shirtless photo shouldn’t make you immediately resign.”

“I would think that maybe he’s got a whole lot of other women on Craigslist that he’s hooked up that he doesn’t want coming to light,”  I say.  “But considering how stupid he was in dealing with this woman, I kinda doubt he’s been successful at cheating online.  It’s pretty obvious he sucks at Internet infidelity.”

“Or he’s really good at it and just got sloppy with this one,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “After cheating for awhile, you start getting bored with the chase and you see how close to the edge you can cut it without getting caught.”

“Like he’s a motorcycle stunt guy who’s seeing how many buses he can jump before he crashes and burns,”  I say.  “He’s not looking for poontang, he’s just looking for the thrill of the chase and seeing how many buses he can clear to without getting caught.   And in this case, he didn’t even make it past the first bus.”

“And then the bus took the photos of the wreck and passed them off to the Internet gossip site for the world to see,”  says Anonymous Doug.

We called Tina the Lesbian for her take on the issue, and all she would tell us was that she was glad Rep. Chris Lee was actually in some sort of decent physical shape for his career-ruining picture, as most Congressman are either old or doughy-looking or both (picturing Newt Gingrich without a shirt is enough to put you off food for so long your family will hold an anorexia intervention for you).  When we asked her if lesbians do this sort of thing where they send each other topless pictures over Craigslist in hopes of discreet lascivious encounters, she hung up on us.  We’ll take that as not only an emphatic “yes,”  but we’ll take that as an admission that it happens every minute of every day.  This may be one of the reasons we don’t see a lot of lesbians in Congress; all that legislating cuts into their topless-picture time on the Internet.

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2 comments

  1. Oh you are dreaming now…

    You know, I thought the same thing. At least he looks half-ass decent with his shirt off. Being in a pleasant hour’s walk of Capitol Hill I know what most of those guys look like. Ten minutes of their hot lovin’ would crush a slightly built woman to a pulp.


  2. PS. Little known fact: Newt Gingrich’s lesbian sister once looked down my shirt and complimented me on a fake tattoo while handing me an award for local journalism. Truth.



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