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You don’t need to buy long-stemmed roses for a whore

February 14, 2011

One of Avonia the Wiccan Pimp’s busiest nights is Valentine’s Day.  Her army of whores clear a redonkulous amount of cheddar on the 14th of February, enough for Avonia to cover half a year’s worth of rent for the wiccan store she and husband Arawn run.

“There’s a lot of lonely people on Valentine’s Day,”  says Avonia.   “And all the commercial pressure regarding the whole sordid day gets to a lot of men, and then they come find me.”

Avonia is not above jacking up her usual prices for Valentine’s Day.

“Hey, my girls are in high demand that day,”  says Avonia.  “And all in all, it’s still cheaper to hire a prostitute than go on a date on Valentine’s Day.  A guy on Valentine’s Day is going to pay for his and his date’s dinner and drinks at a nice yet pricy restaurant.  Then he’s going to shell out money for flowers, maybe even some jewelry too.  And only after all those purchases does he get to go home and maybe have sex with his woman.  Maybe.  But if you do business with me, you’re getting sex, guaranteed, and at half the cost of all obligatory Valentine’s Day nonsense.”

Sound reasoning, to be sure.  I’m pretty sure this is the real reason why prostitution is illegal: because it would interfere with the bottom line for fabricated commercial holidays like Valentine’s Day.  And Halloween, because a good chunk of money generated for All Hallows’ Eve is from women buying costumes that make them look like prostitutes.

“And don’t forget Christmas,”  says Avonia.  “Some people are just giving themselves a little Christmas treat, but the majority of my increased business around Yule is from people who see all those ads about being with loved ones for Christmas and they have no one, so they come see me.   And all my girls are working because they don’t have anyone to spend the holidays with.  Really, if they did, they wouldn’t be hookers.”

But back to Valentine’s Day, Avonia sees her business as more honest than all the other companies who jack up their bottom line on this supposed day of love.

“There’s little difference between buying from me or buying from a flower shop or a jewelry shop for Valentine’s Day,”  says Avonia.  “In both cases, you’re paying for sex.  But when you buy from me, it’s bluntly honest what you’re paying for and the sex is guaranteed.  That bouquet of roses, that box of chocolates, that diamond ring… you’re just purchasing lies and ignoring the obvious fact that the sole purpose of these items is to increase your chances of getting laid.  And I find it sad that people delude themselves like that.  But self-delusion is what the American economy is built on.  If you don’t believe me, look at that middle-aged asshole driving around in the cherry red sports car.  Who is he trying to fool harder: the young women he’s trying to pick up or himself?”

Avonia should have her own financial show on cable, because she’s the only person I know who is honest about how our capitalist system works.  And also because she’d probably have whores on the show too.  Actual whores, not the usual financial whores that show up on CNBC and FoxBusiness and don’t know shit.

 

 

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4 comments

  1. And happy VD to you too darlin’


  2. Avonia knows what’s what. When I was negotiating the divorce settlement with my ex-wife, my lawyer ran the numbers for me and demonstrated that it would have been far cheaper to have paid someone to pretend to be my wife for the entire time I was married.


  3. valentine’s day for me is cheap. i finished the half bottle of wine in the fridge, while reading blogs in my undershorts, and gave the dog some cheese. we are very happy together.


  4. Avonia is on to something, for sure. I’m just still skeptical about how many men consider women worth that much money; last I looked, the guys who had it were spending it on video games.



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