To cats, the Audubon Society is just a menuFebruary 16, 2011
Australia has been getting its ass whooped this summer (which for our American audience is our wintertime) with flooding and cyclones and the lack of Corset Fridays from Nursemyra. And from these disasters comes a story that has our own Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat all bushy-tailed.
“What the fuck is a cassowary?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat, his hip-mounted laser cannon deployed.
“It’s one of those animals that are only in Australia,” I say. “And the Guinness World Record people have declared it the most dangerous bird in the world.”
“Why haven’t I heard about this bird until now?” says Bernie. “I thought I’d killed every type of bird there is. Eagles, ospreys, ostriches…”
“When did you shoot an ostrich?” I say.
“Three years ago,” says Bernie. “It’s why I’m not allowed back at the San Diego Zoo.”
“I remember you shooting a bunch of penguins once,” I say. “You had your rocket jets on and you were flying above them yelling ‘Look who can fly, bitches!’ Then you hit a polar bear with a flame thrower just to show your dominance. You were a maelstrom of destruction that day at SeaWorld.”
“But I haven’t killed a cassowary, and that cheeses me off,” says Bernie. “If you’re so bad-ass, Mr. Cassowary, why haven’t I heard about you before?”
“To be fair, they are endangered,” I say. “It’s kind of hard to be in the public eye when there’s not that many of you.”
“Bullshit, because humpback whales are supposed to be endangered and I know all about them,” says Bernie.
“That’s because of Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home,” I say. “Cassowaries just weren’t lucky enough to have a major science fiction franchise make a movie around them.”
“Well, they’re on my radar now and I’m going to kill this so-called most dangerous bird in the world,” says Bernie. “Then all birds will bow before my might.”
“Until one of them gets their own missile launcher built into their spines,” I say. “Imagine a cassowary that could launch a whole bunch of rockets at you. They’re the third biggest bird behind ostriches and emus. I think they could hold an eight-missile payload.”
“Yeah, but they can’t fly,” says Bernie, deploying his rockets. “I can. Cassowaries aren’t used to fighting against enemies above them. Cats are.”
“If they could outfit a cassowary with a rocket launcher, why wouldn’t they give it flight too?” I say. “They could give it helicopter rotors.”
“Neither, but we need to plan for such contingencies,” I say.
“So this means I should kill a cassowary as a warning to other cassowaries and the Spaniards,” says Bernie. “Just to let them know we’re on to them.”
This isn’t the first time Bernie has tried to justify killing an endangered species for the cause of global freedom. Aside from the polar bear incident and unfortunate incident with a bald eagle, Bernie has also napalmed a panda bear and torpedoed a blue whale. And maybe we’d believe Bernie’s “defense against the hidden Spaniard menace” excuse if he didn’t bring his endangered quarry back home to his wife Marlie so she could declare him a good kitty and then fry up that yummy panda and whale meat for his victory-over-lesser-species dinner.
So cassowaries, you’re on notice… and you’re on the menu.