Charlie Sheen does not impress Tag Larkin

March 2, 2011

Tag Larkin is not impressed by Charlie Sheen.

Tag Larkin sees Charlie Sheen on his TV, saying he’s an F-18, he’s a Vatican warlock, he’s got fire-breathing fists, he’s a rock star from Mars, and all it does is make Tag Larkin yawn.  Tag Larkin says crazier shit than that in his sleep.  Tag Larkin is a Death Star that’s also a phoenix, meaning even if a Jedi blew up the planet-destroying Tag Larkin Death Star with a lucky shot it doesn’t matter because the Tag Larkin Death Star would rise from the ashes all pissed off and ready to resume raining down global devastation.

Firebreathing fists… please.  Tag Larkin did that years ago at a barbecue that displeased him because they had Miracle Whip instead of mayonnaise (there is a difference, people) .  Tag Larkin coated his fists in lighter fluid, set them ablaze, and started punching people on fire until he fell in the pool.

Rock star from Mars?  Tag Larkin played Mars when he was 17 and he rocked the faces of those Martians so hard that they went extinct out of despair because they knew they’d never be half as awesome as Tag Larkin.  That’s why the Mars Rover can’t find anything on Mars except maybe water.  And then Tag Larkin had sex with the rings of Saturn,  because he fucking could.

Tag Larkin is not impressed by Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen is all about winning?  Ha!  Tag Larkin won everything already.  Tag Larkin has won things that haven’t even been contested yet.  Tag Larkin once won something so hard that it ripped a hole in time and space and retroactively made Tag Larkin the winner of everything that came before Tag Larkin’s birth.  Charlie Sheen is bi-winning?  Ha!  Tag Larkin is winning by a factor that modern numerals can’t express.

Tag Larkin is not impressed with Charlie Sheen, because Tag Larkin did all this magical tiger blood winning without having Martin Sheen as his dad.



  1. Tag Larkin can have saturnalian sex with my ring any day

  2. Isn’t it cold out there?

    • In space, there is no wind chill factor.

  3. But…we need his wisdom and his bitchin-ness.

    • Are you saying Tag Larkin does not have wisdom and/or bitchin-ness? I thought you would be one of the last ones to doubt Tag Larkin…

      • I am a staunch believer in Tag Larkin, of course, but that doesn’t mean the Sheen ain’t got a little Dennis Hopper in him. Plus, he’s single-handedly bringing “bitchin” back into everyone’s daily language, and I have to support that.

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