Your moral authority is undercut by your spanking the monkey in publicMarch 4, 2011
Grant Storms isn’t a weatherman; I made that mistake when I saw his name too. He’s a reverend who’s made a name for himself by yelling at gays for being gay in the Southern Quarter of New Orleans every year during the Southern Decadence festival on Labor Day weekend. Well, he’s not going to be doing that this year because the cops caught him shaking hands with the governor of love in his van next to a children’s playground.
The Rev. Grant Storms called himself a “hypocrite” because of his Friday arrest on accusations of masturbating in a public park. Jefferson Parish Sheriff’s deputies charged him with obscenity after two women claimed they saw him touching himself while watching children on the playground at Lafreniere Park.
Storms said in a news conference Tuesday that he was not watching the children, but he did have his hand in his pants.
“That Friday I was reclined in the chair in the van, and I had opened my pants and I had my hand in my underwear,” Storms said. “I’m not a pedophile. I’m not a child molester, and I don’t go exposing myself to children.”
So if it wasn’t the laughing and playing children, what was it that made Storms decide that the park was a good place to have an afternoon bashing the bishop session?
Storms said he is seeking help for a problem with pornography, which he called a recent issue. Storms said he had viewed pornography Friday about an hour before his arrest in the park.
A fascinating excuse, rich in bullshit considering he originally told the cops the reason he had his hand in his pants was because “he was having lunch at the park when he decided to urinate using a bottle instead of the restroom.” Luckily when this story came my way I was drinking with my expert on porn and wanking, Anonymous Doug.
“Usually you crank one out while you’re watching the porn, not an hour afterward,” says Anonymous Doug. “Was he watching it somewhere where he couldn’t punch the clown before hitting the road? Was this like when you eat out at an Indian buffet and halfway home your sphincter goes to DEFCON-1? Is he claiming this was an emergency wank?”
To my knowledge I’ve never heard of someone using the emergency wank defense. “Your honor, I had a raging erection going on and it was adversely affecting my ability to drive, to go shopping, and to wear sweatpants. If I didn’t toss one off when I did, lives may have been lost.”
“If the reverend has a problem with porn it’s that he doesn’t control the porn, the porn controls him,” says Anonymous Doug. “Porn is a tool, and the tool doesn’t command the carpenter. That’s why the cops caught him with his tool in hand, giving it a good varnishing.”
Anonymous Doug has a point. Porn only has as much power as you give it. And likely Rev. Storms has a similar view of porn that he does of homosexuality, that it’s some sort of Sauron-like evil that leaves all who come into contact with it entrapped in its devilish delights, turning them into slaves of its intangible, malevolent will until it destroys them. Porn is not the Dark Side of the Force, and once you go down that path it will not forever control your destiny.
“Neither story says he had anything else in the car with him while he was choking his chicken,” says Anonymous Doug. “Was he just going to skeet skeet skeet on the floor mats? That’s something the people at the car wash will not tolerate, don’t I know. You need to clean it your-damn-self as soon as you get home so it won’t stain. Or was he going to spooge on himself? Dude, now you have to drive home covered in your own man-juice. That’s a change of clothes right there. And you’d better pray you don’t get pulled over for speeding or rolling a stop sign on the way because cops get real suspicious of people with jizz all over them. Just because you’re a pervert doesn’t mean you can’t fucking plan ahead.”
This might be what Charlie Sheen meant when he tweeted his advice of the future: “PLAN BETTER.” Some see Reverend Rosy Palm as a sick individual, Anonymous Doug sees Rev. Trouser-Snake Wrangler as a sick individual who sucks at logistics, which is even worse in Doug’s eyes because even though people completely forget about Doug and the things he’s done as soon as he’s not in the room anymore, he still takes great care in his carnal adventures. Like when he bangs high school girls in his car, he makes sure not to do it next to a playground full of children in broad daylight.
Note: The last holy roller sex story we did about a reverend who didn’t PLAN BETTER involved Rev. Gary Aldredge asphyxiating himself while wearing two wetsuits and a rubber mask with a dildo in his ass and hogtying himself. But at least he had the decency to die while getting his rocks off in the privacy of his own home, not in a van next to a park on a sunny day.
The only bright spot in this sordid tale of public pud pounding is that Rev. Hands-in-the-Pants has apologized for all those years he protested the gays in the Southern Quarter, and has publicly acknowledged he knows he’s a rank hypocrite. Knowing is half the battle. I’m not sure what the other half of the battle is, but I’m pretty sure it doesn’t involve a tussle with your one-eyed muscle in plain sight of a playground full of children.