Why should I waste my beautiful mind on something like that?

March 17, 2011

This quote from “conservative syndicated columnist and former Newt Gingrich press secretary” Tony Blankley on the topic of National Public Radio got my attention, but not for the likely intended reason:

“They are much more concerned with what is going on in the third world. That is a news judgment. For every story they run on conditions in some third world country, it is space not used for some story that we conservatives think is relevant to a conservative audience.”

Now I didn’t know that being a conservative meant not giving a shit what happens in third-world countries.  I was under the impression that those two things were mutually exclusive, sort of like your hair color and your affinity for milk… or your nationality and what hand you masturbate with.  One has nothing to do with the other.  Apparently I’ve been mistaken for all these years regarding conservatism and being interested in the goings on developing countries.

Or perhaps this isn’t about conservatism, and it’s really about people being assholes but not wanting to be called assholes so they hide behind a political affiliation.

This is a slight modification on our Asshole Jesus theory, wherein a strain of evangelical Christianity has emerged that exists not to preach the lesson Jesus taught but so that people can be assholes to everyone who isn’t one of them, but if you call them out for being assholes they hide behind their religion (headed not by Love Thy Neighbor Jesus, but the new and improved Asshole Jesus).   Asshole Conservatism just covers the stuff that Asshole Jesus doesn’t have time to be an asshole about, which would explain the severe Christian bent to American conservatism (as explained by Tony Blankley).  It’s like a comprehensive Asshole package from Asshole Allstate Insurance, covering all of your asshole bases.

So replacing “conservative” with “asshole” in Blankley’s quote doesn’t change its meaning at all.  Assholes wouldn’t care about stories about some shithole country in Africa or Asia.  Why should they care about those people?  Fuck ’em, says the asshole.  Fuck those people who exist outside the narrow view of the asshole’s world.  In fact, fuck knowledge all together.  Being an asshole is much easier when you erect a wall of joyous ignorance around yourself because then you don’t have to deal with inconveniences like empathy or considering the larger consequences of your actions.

Yeah, you can be conservative AND an asshole, just like you can be liberal AND an asshole.  Or an anarchist AND an asshole.  Or a libertarian AND… hmmm, well maybe not libertarians.  They’re like Objectivists with slightly better taste in books.

But the overall point here is that you can be multiple things at the same time, and that isn’t a sign of inconsistency.  That’s a sign of existence being damn complicated.   And embracing or fearing the complicatedness of the universe may make you liberal or conservative, but not giving the slightest shit about it only makes you an asshole.



  1. if Newt Gingrich becomes president? i’m moving to australia to live in nursemyra’s garden shed…

    • I don’t have a garden shed. you’ll have to share my bedroom instead.

      • Can I join? I am so over this.

  2. Your bombast makes zero sense when read by educated people. Do you know why developing countries have been developing for so long without much to show for it? Environmental regulations they are forced to comply with. They have neither the funds nor the technology to develop while staying “green,” so they don’t develop, period.

    That’s what American-interventionism, and liberalism, has done for the world. Man-made global warming is the biggest fucking lie the world has ever bought into. It’s has become a quasi-religion, and it’s sickening.

    The rest of your nonsense is precisely that. There is a reason conservatives, other wise known as educated, sensible people, feel it best not to meddle in the business of other nations. It’s something our founders supported, and for good reason.

  3. Hey, weren’t you just talking about that guy? Speak, and they will appear.

    • uh oh…. asshole in aisle 2

  4. Wow.


    And wow.

    That’s really all I have to say…well, and…


    Mostly to Terrance’s response, because your commentary, RF, as most always, was right on target.

  5. You know, as your token right wing friend, WTF? Not at what you wrote, ’cause everyone can be an asshole. I enjoy being one on tuesdays. WTF is wrong with Terrance H? I’m sorry, but if I want to hear Glen Beck or Rush sound stupid and ill informed, I will listen to them, not some hate spewing, wanna be with no platform, robodouche, parrot-like looser that Googles conservative to find other hate mongering assholes to agree with just so the don’t feel hopelessly alone on a ball of rock that who’s speciese are still evolving even if some of them can’t believe in it. GOD, I hate the lunatics!

  6. Oh, and one more thing. Third world countries don’t care about environmental issues. The people there care about finding food and not dying. Why are they taking so long to develope Douche bag? Because every “developed” country has used them for cheap labor. You claim to be educated, and you worship at the alter the free market. Google Reebok and learn where they are made. Stop spending time trying to blow new brainwashed friends and LEARN SOMETHING. Also, super educated nimrod (go ahead, google that, i’ll wait), READ THE TOP OF THE SCREEN. Renal Failure, Wild Fabrications and Outright Lies. It is the truely stupid that can not tell the difference between entertainment and education. Hint, Rush is really the former, not the later. DOUCHE!

    Sorry, I feel a little better. I swear, when people talk about zombies, I don’t see dead people walking. I see idiots like this guy.

    • You’re a fucking moron. Do you know that? Businesses that exploit developing countries should not be lauded, but you must keep in mind that such exploitation is made possible because they are developing. You idiot. Try and put two and two together, would ya?

      Silly regulations and threats, hinging on the environment, have kept these people in the dark ages. We had our industrial revolution, and polluted the air doing so. They haven’t had theirs, and won’t until we mind our own business.

      Go read a book.

      • EEEWWWWWWW Burn on me. You swear a lot for someone of such fine moral standing. I do appreciate the lecture. Two and two is still four, and I have read some books. It comes with the teritory when you graduate college. I am not going to continue to argue with you as you are obviously right, and I am wrong. It is really nice out, the supermoon is out. Don’t worry, despite the last post I am pretty sure I will manage to avoid the super werewolves. It’s almost like this blog is satire, but sometimes real life ends up supplying stranger characters.

      • If I didn’t know better, I’d say Terrance was working in secret concert with me to prove my own point. And maybe after a few more drinks, I won’t know better.

        And just to double-down for shits and giggles, I’m going to bet Joe has better taste in books than Terrance.

  7. I love it when conservatives decide that they are the only “educated, sensible people” on the entire planet.

    As with RF’s perceptive appraisal of asshole distribution, above, I have found education and good sense at every point on the political spectrum that doesn’t amount to actual extremist bomb-throwing. Heck, I have seriously *dated* educated and sensible people (not always the same thing) from every point on the political spectrum, including a Young American For Freedom and a guy who wrote a term paper in grad school praising Joe McCarthy. Alarming but true fact.

    Oh well, this is why I rarely discuss politics on my own blog (and salute RF for the panache with which he does so here). I live a refreshing hour’s walk from the Capitol and you can’t sneeze around here without spraying an asshole who thinks he’s always right because he’s [insert political affiliation here]. They come in all flavors, but I can’t help noting that the most infatuated with themselves are the doctrinaire conservatives.

    Can we just give them a little island nation to themselves and see how they do in twenty yeas?

  8. You are correct. It IS possible to be something else + and asshole. It’s also possible to be an asshole + something else, although I think this should be obvious by the rules of addition as taught by our glorious union-led school system. Yes, everyone should know that it is possible, and in many cases even probably, that you can be an asshole in addition to many other things.

    The question, as I see it, is on the percentages of assholes associated with any specific political viewpoint and/or philosophy. And as your blog has been previously awarded the golden cock award, I am reminded that it speaks the truth even when the truth should not be spoken. Therefore I will agree with your post, and I will not attempt to reply to the multitude of pissed off conservative assholes who shall surely respond and tell you how ignorant and uneducated you are. To you, those replies should be a badge of honor, and I salute you! Ronald Reagan would be proud. George Bush, not so much.

  9. The left hand, oddly.

    Took me a minute. I made some incriminating hand motions at my desk. Shit.

    • Hey-o! Now are you naturally a lefty or did you develop going southpaw down south just so you could still operate the computer mouse whilst flicking the marble?

  10. Computer? Never. The internet is never sexy.

  11. As a character that I play on the internet – who is an asshole – I have to say, give it up for Terrence, King of Assholia (no offence to the rest of you down under)

    Aside from that I agree with the main post, and I consider myself to be a Right Winger.

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