Your car insurance doesn’t cover imagined mystical hexesMarch 30, 2011
Avonia the Wiccan Pimp already has a dim opinion of the Transportation Security Administration (they’re the ones touching your junk at the airport), but now she has a more personal reason not to like the TSA.
This recent MSNBC story about a Wiccan TSA employee Carole A. Smith being fired for shady reasons has Avonia’s Irish up (she’s about a quarter Irish, we believe, and probably has some German in her too, but if you say you got “your German up” people get really nervous, especially the Jews). This particular portion of the tale really makes Avonia want to put her rings on and witchslap the fools in question…
The assistant director told her he was investigating a threat of workplace violence. He said that her former mentor in on-the-job training, officer Mary Bagnoli, reported that she was afraid of Smith because she was a witch who practiced witchcraft. She accused Smith of following her on the highway one snowy evening after work and casting a spell on the heater of her car, causing it not to work. Well, actually, Bagnoli said she hadn’t seen Smith’s car, but she had seen Smith. “I thought to myself,” Smith recalls, “what, did she see me flying on my broom?”
Avonia is proud of Ms. Smith for coming up with this response: “To put a spell on a heater of a car, if I had that kind of power, I wouldn’t be working for TSA. I would go buy lottery tickets and put a spell on the balls.”
“If Wiccans really had those sorts of superpowers I would think the TSA would be falling over themselves to employ pagans,” says Avonia. “We could cast magic spells to diffuse bombs without endangering everyone, or we could sense if people have weapons on them without using that invasive body scanner machine.”
Avonia is right. Wiccans are not the X-Men. And they’re not the Legion of Doom either. Though if I could find a religion that would allow me to be Magneto, I’d totally be a member. Maybe that’s how Scientology gets so many followers – promises of awesome mutant powers.
Anyway… this article presents something that Avonia didn’t know about: apparently there’s a group that deals with discrimination against Wiccans, the Lady Liberty League.
“How is it they’ve been around for 25 years and I haven’t heard of them until now?” says Avonia. “Am I slipping in my Wiccan networking? Am I that far out of the circle? Have I been a solo Wiccan for too long, caught up in the big pimpin’ game, hustlin’ so hard for them green paper means to meets my ends that I’m slipping on the witch tip?”
To be fair, this Lady Liberty League is in Wisconsin, and we don’t get much news from there unless it involves the Green Bay Packers or Wisconsin’s asshole governor trying to crush organized labor in the state. But it’s good to see Wiccans get their own lobbyist-type group, especially after we declared a need for one four years ago and didn’t know one already existed until today. That’s not just convenient, that’s retroactively convenient.
Anyway, we hope things work out for Carole A. Smith and her appeal for wrongful termination because if it doesn’t that means the forces of stupid win, and that is unacceptable. Stupidity is not only encouraged by such victories, it prompts the next act of stupidity to be even dumber. And if you think you can’t get more insipid than a dumbass claiming that a Wiccan cast a magical hex to disable her car heater then I envy your optimistic view of humanity and want directions to your Magical Rainbow Lollipop Fantasy World because I’m the mood for mermaid lovin’.