If you lose a few pounds, you’ll no longer be considered sacrificial diversionary bait

April 7, 2011

We got thinking about physical fitness here at the Failure, partly because of this short news snippet about First Lady Michelle Obama discovering what BMI is while promoting her fighting childhood obesity initiative, and partly because it’s April and the warming weather means people can’t hide their forms under heavy winter gear anymore.  The media demands you be ashamed for not meeting their unattainable physical beauty standards, and you don’t want to disappoint the media, right?  How else would you fill in the holes in your day?  Actually connecting with other human beings?  Pursuing your personal and intellectual dreams?   Child, please.  We are animals, and we love shiny objects.

Anyway, we don’t much like the Body Mass Index measure of obesity, mainly because it doesn’t take into account physical fitness.  Muscle weighs more than fat, but having more muscle penalizes you in regards to BMI.  Tag Larkin would be considered overweight by the BMI scale because it doesn’t take into account that he is a chiseled, callipygian Adonis who bench presses reality on a daily basis.  Do you know how heavy reality is?  The last person who wasn’t Tag Larkin who tried to lift reality lost his grip mid rep and let it clang off the floor and for two weeks everyone forgot about the Victorian era.  So that time you couldn’t remember  the Bronte sisters or Albert Tennyson Wordsworth?  Now you know why.

Ninja Vicki has been researching better measures of weight/healthiness levels for years, mainly because she gives herself bonus points for killing more physically fit people.  The initial scale she developed from this research, known as The Ninja Scale, failed because all it did was classify people as either “Ninja” or “Not Ninja” by way of who had the body shape, muscle strength, agility, and cardio to be a full-fledged ninja, which only .000001% of the worldwide population is.  So it’s utility was very limited.

Her new scale, however, is more inclusive.  She calls it the “Zombie Holocaust Survival Scale” wherein your level of health is determined by your physical ability to survive the zombie apocalypse.  So if you’ve got some beef on you but you’re fleet of foot and don’t get winded easily the Ninja Vicki Zombie Holocaust Survival Scale will look more favorably upon you than if you’re some rail-thin waif whose delicate weight distribution is disturbed with the mere application of nail polish.  Little Ms. Karen Carpenter Twig Arms won’t last very long when the zombie hordes come ambling her way.

Again, there are limitations with Ninja Vicki’s scale, as it does not take into account factors like age, or disability, or your socio-economic status that would allow you access to better nutrition and physical fitness options.  We’re not even sure what it does take into account because Ninja Vicki won’t tell us and we can’t make her tell us because she’s a ninja and will stab us in the face.  But despite the secrecy, we see this new view of physical health as bold and daring because it’s the only fitness scale where the metrics involve hordes of brain-hungry, flesh-rending undead beasts.

I don’t know if Ninja Vicki has any future research planned, but I know I’m working on the initial stages of a medical theory that says a foot tattoo drops your IQ forty-five points.  I’m just waiting for the grant money to roll in.



  1. “He is a chiseled, callipygian Adonis who bench presses reality on a daily basis.”

    This is exactly the reason why I lust for Tag Larkin

  2. I have always had a Zombie Survival Scale in the back of my head. Or at least a need to imagine a capacity for survival in the case of a social breakdown.

    My job can be done with bare hands, I can cover distance and clobber people, and the only real drawback is my awful vision. I hoard glasses.

    The BMI is the world’s biggest joke — a glorified insurance table. A mountain labored and brought forth a mouse. I am “overweight” in this picture.

    • I definitely want a masseuse as a member of my zombie apocalypse party. I know I’m going to get such knots while fighting the undead.

      • Don’t laugh, it can be the difference between running fast and limping.

  3. except the rationale of the Zombie Holocaust Scale indicates that you become more healthy if you’re holding a gun.

  4. I KNOW I’m more healthy when I’m holding a gun.

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