I can’t lie if I don’t care what the truth is

April 12, 2011

As the blog of wild fabrications and outright lies, we have a keen interest in the topic of lying, and its second cousin bullshitting.  Yes, there is a difference, as demonstrated in Harry G. Frankfurt’s essay (later printed as a tiny book) “On Bullshit.”  In short, liars know what the truth is, bullshitters don’t know and don’t care.

Anyway, we’ve found a great specimen of lying bullshit in the recent government shutdown debate when Republican Senator John Kyl claimed that 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion (the reality is that abortion is only 3 percent of what they do).  Now when confronted with this fact by CNN, the senator’s office replied with this exquisite piece of bullshit:

HOLMES: We did call his office trying to ask what he was talking about there. And I just want to give it you verbatim here. It says, ‘his remark was not intended to be a factual statement, but rather to illustrate that Planned Parenthood, a organization that receives millions of dollars in taxpayer funding, does subsidize abortions.’

We haven’t come across such an exquisite sample of bullshit like that since four years ago when Homeland Security Advisor Frances Townsend told us with a straight face that “failure is a success that hasn’t occurred yet.”  We had fun with that bullshit back then so you know we’re going to have a frickin’ Mardi Gras with this “not intended to be a factual statement” bullshit.

“When I said that I had sex with Kylie Minogue , that wasn’t intended to be a factual statement,”  I say.  “But rather it was to illustrate that I have had sex with women before.”

“When I said to the bank that I could make my car payments, that wasn’t intended to be a factual statement,”  says Mikka.  “But rather it was to illustrate how much I like driving.”

“Nothing I say to you humans should be interpreted as a factual statement,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “The unevolved human race doesn’t deserve to be spoken to truthfully by your genetic superiors.  You don’t have the necessary brain power to understand cat truth.”

“When I tell one of my hookers that she’d better have my money or I will witchslap the taste out of her mouth, that IS intended as a factual statement,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “But when I tell her I will turn her into a marmot, however, that’s just to illustrate how much trouble she’s going to be in if I don’t get my ends.”

“When I told that woman at the coffee shop poetry jam that I too liked American Idol, that wasn’t intended to be a factual statement,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “But rather it was to illustrate how I was willing to overlook her horrid taste in television so that I wouldn’t go home alone that night.”

“Dear drunk girl I hooked up with at the club after last call: when I said I loved you, that wasn’t intended to be a factual statement,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “But rather it was to illustrate that I wanted to get you back to my apartment, put a bridle on you, and ride your ass until the sun comes up.  Glad you won’t remember this.  Sincerely, Anonymous Doug.”

“When I tell people that Samurai Cathy is a dirty syphilitic whore, I don’t give a shit if it’s a factual statement or not,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “Because I want people to hate her, and I want her to die.”

“When I tell people that Ninja Vicki is an emotionally-crippled and broken woman incapable of allowing herself to feel love, that isn’t intended to be a factual statement,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “But damned if she doesn’t keep proving me right every single day.”

Concordantly, everything you read on Renal Failure isn’t intended to be a factual statement either, but it’s all true anyway.  Especially the lies.



  1. I love Bernie. Will Marlie let me play with him?

    • You can play with Bernie all you want, nursemyra.

  2. when i say i work really hard to earn my fat paycheck, it’s not an actual lie, because my paycheck is indeed fat. the people in payroll really like carbs and over-processed, corn-based food.

  3. Americans are suckers for lies, because we believe in dreams. Fantasy tells the truth better than fact, because it tells an emotional truth. Believe in facts = destroy my dreams, my happiness.

    Telling lies about a person = defamation. Will Planned Parenthood sue?

  4. I would like to say I’m an excellent bullshitter, but fact is I’m not. I’m an excellent exaggerator, though, because sometimes people think I speak in cartoons.

  5. This post is hilarious to me. I love Anonymous Doug for being so honest!

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