I’m getting my chemo done at Old NavyApril 13, 2011
“Would you get a pap smear at your local drug store or pharmacy?” I say, referring to the paint-huffer on Fox and Friends who claimed you can get pap smears at your local Walgreens.
“I don’t think I would,” says Tina the Lesbian. “How good is that test going to be when it’s done in the same place where I buy shampoo and get my photos developed?”
“Well, you could get all your shopping and gynecological health needs taken care of in one convenient location,” I say.
“I think there’s something to be said about not being able to get everything done in one place,” says Tina the Lesbian. “I think I’d rather go to a place that does six things well rather than sixty things mediocre. There’s quality to be found in specialization.”
“True… I don’t think I’d get a dental exam at the same place I get my oil changed,” I say. “And I don’t think those idiots on Fox and Friends would get a prostate exam at their local supermarket, no matter how convenient the location.”
“I wish Douchebag McAssClown on Fox and Friends would get a colonoscopy at Taco Bell,” says Tina the Lesbian. “But I don’t think he’d learn the right lesson from the experience.”
“Yeah, Douchebag McAssClown would probably say that he had a great time and that everyone should have medical procedures done at fast food restaurants from now on,” I say. “Get a CAT scan at KFC and get a free three-piece original recipe meal.”
“And we’ll be giving kids their vaccination shots in their McDonald’s Happy Meals,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Grimace and Mayor McCheese will be on hand to stick your child in the arm with needles.”
“Eating Burger King all the time probably doesn’t help your diabetes, but the discount insulin available with each Whopper you purchase will make it okay,” I say. “And if you eat enough sundaes at Dairy Queen they’ll give you a discount on a Rascal scooter when you lose your feet.”
“Too bad the K-Mart near us closed,” says Tina the Lesbian. “We could be have been looking forward to Blue Light Specials on mammograms.”
“You’ll just have to get your breasts smushed at Target,” I say. “Their logo looks like a nipple anyway.”
“Canada doesn’t have to deal with this bullshit,” says Tina the Lesbian. “They’ve got universal health care and no one is getting pap smears at frickin’ Tim Horton’s.”
There’s an idea: coffee and donuts at your doctor’s office. I know a Boston Kreme donut and a cup of java would make the waiting time go a lot faster. But that’s if you can even afford an appointment.