Scheduling your chemical dependency is important

April 20, 2011

“So potheads have 4:20,”  I say.

“Correct,”  says Anonymous Doug.

“And drunks have happy hour,”  I say.

“Correct,” says Anonymous Doug.

“Do heroin addicts have a time to call their own?”  I say.

“It’s pretty much whenever the withdrawal symptoms start to kick in,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “You can’t put a time on that.”

“What about acidheads?”  I say.  “Do they have a time?”

“When you’re on acid, time has no meaning,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “You are beyond such meager trappings of reality.”

“Crystal meth?”  I say.

“If you’re doing crystal meth or crack, then you’re not someone who has to keep a close eye on time,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “That’s something I’ve never seen: a crackhead or a methhead with a schedule to keep.  ‘Hmm… I can fit in some crack this morning, but my afternoon is completely booked.’  Yeah, that doesn’t happen.”

“Do you think  because booze and weed have a time associated with them that makes them more socially acceptable?”  I say.  “As if their ability to be scheduled gives them a sense of respectability?”

“Maybe,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Or maybe because booze and weed don’t usually lead to someone becoming a twitchy, sore-encrusted, shell of a person who will awkwardly proposition me for a mediocre blowjob behind the dumpster of a dive bar for her next fix.  Meth and heroin tend to do that.  Whatever, though.  Works out fine for me.”

“But you just said the blowjobs were mediocre,”  I say.

“Yeah, but the crying is awesome,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Especially if during it she realizes she has hit rock bottom and all that shame collapses in on her.  I swear I can feel the moment her spirit breaks.  For that I can excuse her poor technique.  It’s like watching a great performance in a not-so-great movie.  Like when I saw ‘There Will Be Blood.’  I couldn’t tell you what the plot is or what the characters’ names are or anything.  All I remember is that it’s two hours of Daniel Day Lewis being awesome.  And sometimes that’s enough.”

Like always, I learn a lot more than I bargained for while talking with Anonymous Doug.  And I make sure to write it all down because once he leaves the room, that priceless knowledge goes with him.



  1. I am new here, via Humor Bloggers, and I’m sure I’ve never left a comment, but OMG, you have the most amazing friend in Anonymous Doug.
    I mean seriously, none of my friends even knew that today was significant in any way. I know, right? I’m seriously wondering why I even call them my friends….

    Loved this!!

    • Welcome new blood! If you liked that, delve into our archives for a spell and meet the rest of the crew. You won’t know which character to love most.

  2. I love Tag Larkin. Always have and always will.

  3. I think I’m in LOVE with Anonymous Doug!

  4. Sometimes I cry because I miss rock bottom.

    Oh, dirty mattresses, you hold my sorrow well.

  5. chatting up a douchenozzle just so he buys you a drink isn’t quite as bad as cocksucking for crack. but it used to make me feel pretty dirty. unless he was a flaming douche…and by helping empty his wallet i was doing public service for all of the other women to enter the bar later that night…

  6. A weeping, shameful whore is an aphrodisiac. God knows why, but it is.

  7. Is it more depressing when a girl cries during a blog job because she’s hitting rock bottom or because she thinks boys will only pay attention to her when she’s got her mouth wrapped around their little generals? or when she thinks she’s too fat for sex?

    or when she, um, got dared to do it?

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