We’re just asking questions that support our hatred of you: Part 1May 2, 2011
If you’ve followed this blog for a long time, you’re aware that Ninja Vicki and Samurai Cathy are mortal enemies, feuding all the way back to high school. Not a normal high school feud, mind you, because they actively tried to kill each other. But since Samurai Cathy started dating our mutual friend Mikka over three years ago, the rules of cordiality have forbidden Vicki and Cathy from killing each other. But that doesn’t mean the feud is over.
In her latest salvo in this cold war between ninja and samurai, Ninja Vicki started a rumor around town that Samurai Cathy has a vestigial tail because she was born to wolves. And when a ninja spreads a rumor about you, it gets around really fast, especially since Ninja Vicki doesn’t have to go work because she’s a ninja. Anyway, the rumor caught on and now Samurai Cathy’s faced with having to answer questions about if she has a tail and if her parents were wolves and if the carpet matches the curtains (not because of the rumor, but just because she’s a redhead and EVERY redhead woman regrettably is posed with this question by some jag-off who thinks he’s being clever ).
“I do not have a tail and I was not born to wolves,” Samurai Cathy said, addressing the people at the mall food court who interrupted her lunch to inquire about her possible lupine lineage. “I was born to human parents who died in a tragic boating accident when I was a child.”
“Let’s see the birth certificate!” Ninja Vicki yells while perched in the hanging sign of our local adult contemporary sandwich shop BLT Speedwagon. “There are legitimate questions about your birth, Catherine, and the people deserve to know the truth.”
“If I remember correctly, Victoria, you stole my birth certificate from my house during our senior year,” says Samurai Cathy.
“Oh yeah, because I wanted to find out what your middle name was,” says Ninja Vicki, jumping down to the food court floor to confront her nemesis. “Eunice…”
“That was my grandmother’s name,” Samurai Cathy says with a snarl.
“I didn’t know wolves had names,” says Ninja Vicki. “Because that’s who your parents were and that’s why you have a tail and that’s why you have a misshapen ass.”
“I can get a copy of my birth notice from the newspaper archives saying I was born in a hospital to humans,” says Samurai Cathy.
“Not good enough, you savage she-wolf with a stupid wolfy tail,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Now, hold up here,” says Mikka, who as a skinny dork only knows combat from the hours he’s logged in front of his Playstation should know better than to step in between the sword-wielding Cathy and Vicki. “Now I’ve seen Samurai Cathy’s ass and I can tell you from personal experience that she does not have a tail.”
“Right, like your boyfriend is going to be an impartial source for this sort of information,” says Ninja Vicki. “Besides, Mikka is weird and a girl with a tail probably turns him on. No, the people deserve to know the truth about Catherine, or as she’s known in Mexico: La Loba!”
“What do you want me to do?” says Samurai Cathy. “Show everyone my ass so they can see I don’t have a tail?”
“Whooo!” yells Anonymous Doug from the crowd with a Big Gulp cup likely filled with rum. “Show us the goods!”
“Yes, show everyone here in the mall food court your ass,” says Ninja Vicki. “That would be a good start.”
“Just a good start?” says Samurai Cathy. “I think seeing I don’t have a tail would be pretty compelling evidence that I don’t have a tail.”
“But it doesn’t answer the people’s questions about whether you were born to wolves or not,” says Ninja Vicki. “Wolves are notoriously bad parents. With that upbringing, you could be a danger to others. Even the children!”
“No, not the children!” yells local scared citizen Sean Wheatley from the crowd. “Not the children we don’t have yet!”
“Imaginary potential children are the ones we have to protect the most against feral wolf-people,” says local scared citizen and Sean’s wife Lucia Wheatley. “We need answers!”
“The answer is that I was born to human parents,” says Samurai Cathy. “The hospital I was born in should have the record of my birth. Hell, the doctor who delivered me is probably still practicing there. Go ask him.”
“No, no, no, those records could have been tampered with,” says Ninja Vicki. “This is a samurai conspiracy from up on high to fool the people! Now show the people your ass so we get the answers we deserve.”
“I am not showing my ass to anyone,” Samurai Cathy says.
“What about tits?” says Anonymous Doug. “Put ’em on the glass!”
“Doug has a point,” says Ninja Vicki. “Wolves have multiple teats. Show the world you don’t have wolf teats.”
“No, I just wanted to see some tits today,” says Anonymous Doug. “I’ve been awake for four hours and I haven’t even seen a pert nipple yet. What’s up with that, right? So let’s see some titties! I don’t care if I see samurai titty or ninja titty or the titties of that crazy hysterical broad over there yelling about imaginary children, just show me some tits so I can get on with my day.”
It would seem the topic of debate has veered a little off course. Ninja Vicki will work on getting it back to where she wants it.
To be continued…