We’re just asking questions that support our hatred of you: Part 3May 4, 2011
“I’m not sure we should do this,” says Samurai Cathy, sitting with her boyfriend Mikka at a table in our local coffee shop.
“Do you want to go through the rest of your life having people think you were born to wolves and that your vagina eats puppies?” says Mikka. “You want to get back at Ninja Vicki? This is the only way. But let me do the talking.”
The coffee shop doors swing open and Tag Larkin struts on in with an empty silo-shaped canister under his arm, which he slams on the counter and demands the barista fill it with coffee from the most impoverished nation they have beans for because despair brings forth the most flavorsome coffee. Once he has his coffee, he dumps half a bottle of Jameson’s into the silo and brings it over to where Samurai Cathy and Mikka are sitting.
“You have a request of Tag Larkin?” he says. “Speak now.”
“I believe in America,” says Mikka. “America has made my fortune. And I have found a girlfriend in the American fashion. She has brought me much happiness, but she has a blood enemy. This enemy has tried many things to defeat my girlfriend, but she has resisted. She has kept her honor. So this enemy has spread rumors about her. Vicious rumors. Maligning her character and standing in the community. She sought to rectify this with the public, but the rumors were too much, and the people too stupid to realize the truth. And that is when I said to my girlfriend ‘For justice, we must go to Tag Larkin.'”
Tag Larkin takes a drink from his silo of whiskey-spiked Sumatra coffee. “We have known each other many years, but this is the first time you’ve come to me for counsel or for help. I can’t remember the last time you invited me to your house for a cup of coffee, even though my wife is godmother to your only child.”
“You don’t have a kid,” Samurai Cathy whispers to Mikka. “And he doesn’t have a wife.”
“It doesn’t matter,” Mikka says. “Tag Larkin has been watching The Godfather on a continuous loop lately. It’s the only way to get through to him these days.”
“But let’s be frank here,” Tag Larkin continues. “You never wanted my friendship. And you feared to be in my debt.”
“But you hired my boyfriend to be your unpaid personal assistant,” Samurai Cathy says. “You made him pass out flyers to women making them aware that they could be having sex with you.”
Tag Larkin drinks more coffee and sighs. “Bonasera, Bonasera, what have I ever done to make you treat me so disrespectfully? If you’d come to me in friendship, this scum who ruined your girlfriend’s reputation would be suffering this very day. And if by some chance an honest man like yourself made enemies they would become my enemies. And then, they would fear you.”
Tag Larkin holds out his hand toward Mikka, displaying his ring for Mikka to kiss and complete the opening scene from the Godfather
“Oh, for the love of…” Samurai Cathy growls. “The scum in question is Ninja Vicki. Remember when you went on a double-date with her and us almost three years ago at Upskirt Yoshi’s? Or the time you tricked her into a date with you by insulting her? And when she rejected you for ten boxes of Peanut Butter Patty Girl Scout cookies?”
Tag Larkin sits back in his chair, contemplatively rubbing his chin. “Tattaglia is a pimp. He never could have outfought Santino. But I didn’t know until this day that it was Ninja Vicki all along.”
“So… are you going to help me or what?” says Samurai Cathy.
“No Sicilian can ever refuse a request on his daughter’s wedding day,” says Mikka.
“Tag Larkin stands up from the table. “Some day, and that day may never come, I will call upon you to do a service for me. But until that day, consider this justice a gift on my daughter’s wedding day.”
And then Tag Larkin leaves by throwing his chair through the window and exiting that way.
“So what exactly is Tag Larkin going to do for me?” says Samurai Cathy.
“I don’t know, and I know we’re better off,” says Mikka.
To be concluded…