We’re just asking questions that support our hatred of you: Part 4May 5, 2011
Ninja Vicki is on my porch, indulging in a fresh Tom Collins highball and gloating about getting a significant percentage of our town to believe that her arch-nemesis Samurai Cathy is a radical Islamic communist wolf-woman whose vagina eats puppies.”
“Oh, it was beautiful,” says Ninja Vicki. “And the best part is she came up with the radical Islamic communist puppy-eating vagina thing herself. Her rare adventure into the world of sarcasm backfired so hard on her it almost opened a rift in time and space.”
“That is one hell of a backfire,” I say.
“Yeah, she was never very socially savvy,” says Ninja Vicki. “Samurai ain’t got shit on ninjas when it comes to working public opinion. That’s why ninjas dominate the media.”
“Aside from that stretch in the mid to late 90’s, you’re right,” I say. “Ninjas have great market penetration in the digital age.”
“I wish she was on Facebook so I could own her there too,” Ninja Vicki laughs. “In fact, I should make her a Facebook profile just so people can leave messages on it about her wolf heritage and puppy-chewing vag. Nah, I’ve already won hard enough already.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure ultimate victory is yours just yet,” I say.
“Oh please, Catherine can’t do shit to me,” says Ninja Vicki. “Thanks to me, she’s the most hated person in town.”
“That might not last long from what I’ve heard,” I say, sipping my Tom Collins.
Ninja Vicki raises a worried eyebrow. “What have you heard?”
“That Tag Larkin is passing out flyers saying that he banged you,” I say.
Ninja Vicki drops her highball glass. “What?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, that’s incorrect,” I say. “He’s passing out flyers that say you’re pregnant with his baby. The whole banging you part isn’t on the flyers, it’s just understood to have happened. Last I heard he’s handing them out down at the park.”
“Mother-cock-fucker!” Ninja Vicki yells as she jumps off my porch and sprints off into town. When she’s out of sight I take out my cell phone and place a call.
“She’s on her way,” I say.
To be concluded…