We’re just asking questions that support our hatred of you: Part 5May 6, 2011
Ninja Vicki arrives at our local park to find Tag Larkin standing on an actual soapbox, a stack of flyers in one hand, a megaphone in the other, and worse, an eager crowd gathering around him.
“What the blue shit do you think you’re doing?” Ninja Vicki says as she leaps down from the trees next to Tag Larkin.
“Tag Larkin is informing everyone that you’re carrying Tag Larkin’s seed,” says Tag Larkin, into the megaphone. “Because we had sex. Savage, primal, deep fuck action in all rooms of Tag Larkin’s house. And Tag Larkin’s neighbor’s house when he wasn’t home.”
“We certainly did not!” Ninja Vicki declares to the crowd.
“Ms. Ninja Vicki, anonymous sources tell me you gave up the back door to Tag Larkin,” says the reporter from the New York Times on the scene from Part 2 of our tale. “How do you respond to these accusations of anal?”
“Are you serious?” Ninja Vicki says, shocked.
“Tag Larkin can neither confirm or deny railing Ninja Vicki in the ass,” says Tag Larkin. “Tag Larkin can confirm that we’ve been on several dates.”
“We’ve been on two dates,” Ninja Vicki says. “The first one I brought you along just to ruin Catherine and Mikka’s date, and the second one you tricked me into going on as part of a larger outside clandestine operation. And neither time did you bang me.”
Tag Larkin laughs. “Please… Tag Larkin plowed you so hard you’re having twins.”
The audience applauds.
“We did not have sex!” Ninja Vicki growls. “And I am certainly not carrying your children.”
“Well, duh, of course you’re not now,” says Tag Larkin. “Because you had them aborted!”
And the audience gasps.
“You had an abortion?” says Sean Wheatley from the crowd.
“Abortion is the worst thing ever, according to our pastor,” says Lucia Wheatley. “Just ahead of pre-marital sex, which she also had!”
“And the twins were going to be girls too,” says Tag Larkin. “Black lesbian girls.”
And the audience gasps louder. As they freeze in shock, Mikka and Samurai Cathy make their way to the front of the crowd.
“So not only is Vicki a whore, she’s a racist, sexist, gay-bashing whore!” says Mikka.
“The horror!” says Samurai Cathy, failing to keep from grinning. “Or rather the whoror!”
Ninja Vicki points at Samurai Cathy. “Well, at least I’m not a Islamic communist terrorist wolf-woman with a vestigial tail and a vagina that eats puppies like her!”
“Yeah, but at least she didn’t have an abortion after a night of whoring,” says Sean Wheatley. “You dirty, shameful harlot!”
“Damn straight,” says Lucia Wheatley. “And terrorist werewolf lady can’t be a whore. Her razor-teeth vagina won’t allow it.”
“Ms. Ninja Vicki, how do you respond to recent polling that says 74 percent of people think you’re a dirty whorebag?” says the New York Times reporter.
Ninja Vicki’s hands go to the top of her head, grabbing her hair in frustration. “What the shit is going on here?”
Samurai Cathy steps forward. “In your zeal for maligning my character, you forgot the one thing that rumor hounds, social scolds, and media whores love more than anything: slut-shaming.”
“Doesn’t matter if you’re a suspected commie werewolf suicide bomber with vagina dentata,” says Mikka. “Loose women are always the talk of the town, and always talked about in unkind words too. Guys like Tag Larkin who sleep around, they get lionized and congratulated.”
Somewhere in the crowd Lance Patriarchy raises his hand. “You’re welcome.”
“Of course it doesn’t matter that in reality you haven’t known the touch of a man since the first season of American Idol,” says Samurai Cathy. “Not when Tag Larkin is yelling all over town about how hard he banged you. The abortion angle was just red meat to the more conservative gossip heads.”
“You cocking shitfucks!” Ninja Vicki howls. “At least when I ruined your reputation I had the decency to do the dirty work myself. You had to bring in Tag Larkin to do it for you, you dishonorable shit harpy.”
Samurai Cathy cocks her head to the side and smirks. “A ninja speaking to me about honor? I’d laugh if it wasn’t so pathetic. The day I seriously listen to you on the topic of honor is the day I disembowel myself with a rusty spoon.”
“So what’s the endgame here?” says Ninja Vicki. “Are the two of us doomed to wander the rest of our days with the sullied reputations and manufactured ignominy we inflicted on each other?”
And it was at this point that Avonia the Wiccan Pimp comes running up to everyone. “Hey! President Obama just said they finally killed Osama Bin Laden!”
And just like that, everyone in town forgets about Samurai Cathy’s alleged lycanthropy and Ninja Vicki’s alleged sluttiness and subsequent bigoted abortion. They all start chanting “USA” and letting loose with whatever emotional catharsis they could express. And so this sordid tale of idiotic bullshit about birth certificates, whores, and idiotic rumors comes to an end, and Ninja Vicki’s prior support of Barack Obama is cosmically rewarded.