If it’s in the red, don’t take it to bed!May 10, 2011
I’m hanging out at the mall with Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, drinking gin and juice by the big water fountain. Well, I’m drinking gin and juice. Well, it’s gin but it is in a 32 oz Jamba Juice cup that Avonia had finished using and graciously donated to me so I could drink in public without being hassled by Whitey.
Anyway, we have a clear view into a nearby department store where we see a couple shopping, and the woman gets her man to hold her purse while she tries something on. He shows no sign of discomfort or disagreement with the task.
“It’s good to see someone comfortable enough in his masculinity to do something like that,” says Avonia.
“Comfortable nothing, he’s buying up pussy debt,” I say.
“Pussy debt?” says Avonia. “I’m not familiar with that term, but as a pimp I feel I should be so explain it to me.”
“See, he’s not holding that purse for his girlfriend because he’s enlightened or any of that bullshit,” I say. “He’s holding it with the understanding he’s going to get some fuck action later. So he’s bear it with a smile, knowing that he’ll be taken care of on the back end with interest.”
“So it’s like when the USA runs a budget deficit and we get China to buy our debt,” says Avonia.
“Because it’s a good investment,” I say. “Holding that debt can buy you out of a lot of issues, like how we don’t bug China about human rights violations or child labor.”
“So these small indignities, like holding purses or going to see the Twilight movies, they accumulate pussy debt that can be leveraged by the guy to get a pass on certain behaviors?” says Avonia.
“Depending on how much pussy debt he holds, yes,” I say. “But you don’t want to run up too much pussy debt because if it gets way to high without any attempt to pay it off, he can call in the debt and have her default. Then the relationship is over, and her pussy rating gets downgraded.”
“Can she declare pussy bankruptcy?” says Avonia.
“She could, but that means seven years of not being able to get pussy credit,” I say. “Most women can’t do that.”
“So I’m assuming there are pussy recessions,” says Avonia.
“More often than you think,” I say. “Those are some tough times. There’s even pussy depressions. Think Grapes of Wrath, except no one’s getting any sex.”
“How do you get out of a pussy recession?” says Avonia. “Austerity measures?”
“Only if you like drinking paint,” I say. “Cutting pussy doesn’t solve the main issue, which is a lack of pussy revenue. The pussy needs stimulation. Preferably in package form. You have to spend pussy capital to make pussy capital. You have to get it so where every two pussy units spent bring back five pussy units in revenue. And with that you start rebuilding the pussy economy. Then once the pussy’s self-sustaining again, then you cut pussy spending.”
“Especially if you get yourself a pussy surplus,” says Avonia. “On the street we call that having too many bitches.”
“Yeah, guys don’t want to be the debtor in that situation,” I say. “That’s how men get decorative soap put in their bathrooms, and flowery drapes for their windows.”
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be,” says Avonia.
“Especially when it comes to pussy,” I say.
“You know, this is the most intelligence conversation on economics I think I’ve ever had,” says Avonia.
“Yeah, maybe I could have been one of those financial cockheads on Wall Street if only economics classes involved more vaginas,” I say.
“I notice you haven’t been with a woman in a while,” says Avonia. “Are you a pussy debtor?”
“No, I’m square with the house,” I say. “Owe nothing, owed nothing. I’m a free man. Unfettered.”
“And that translates into not getting any?” says Avonia.
“No one said being free was all rainbows and unicorns and blowjobs,” I say.
“So where do I as a pimp fit into this equation?” says Avonia.
“You don’t deal with credit so you’re outside of this particular system,” I say. “What you’ve got going, I’d say you’re the mercantilism of pussy.”
“Do you even know what mercantilism is?” says Avonia.
“Not really, because no one explained it to me through the prism of getting laid,” I say. “You know, I think this is the longest you’ve lasted in one of my mad concept conversations.
“I’ve been sneaking sips of your gin when you’re not looking,” says Avonia. “It’s the only way participating in this conversation makes any sense.”