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Let us not remember him as the man who owned all 31 volumes of Rimjob All-Stars

May 14, 2011

The news that Osama bin Laden had an extensive porn collection got me thinking.  Not of hypocrisy or of the seemingly universal need for men to crank it to hot naked women, but of something that should be of concern not just to me but to all who have their own secret smut collections.

You need to put a self-destruct booby trap on your spank bank.

See, when I die, I have it arranged with Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat that he cleans out my porn stash so when family or friends or the authorities start combing through my possessions they don’t find out how much I was into Asian lesbian bondage orgies during my living years.  Or discover all those movies of women dressed as Wonder Woman getting railed (keep that tiara on, it doesn’t work without the tiara).  The same goes for all your sex toys.  Likely our female readers have a trusted friend who will gather up all those vibrators and strap-ons from the premises before the relatives show up to go through your stuff. And if you don’t, find one now, unless you really want your mother to find that deluxe neon dildo of yours that made those multiple-month dating droughts bearable.

Anyway, with Bin Laden we see the problem of what happens when the authorities – be they Navy Seals or your local police force – bust into your house and shoot you in the face.  Your friend isn’t going to have the opportunity to remove your porn stash or sex toy collection.  So the only solution our engineers* here at Renal Failure have been able to come up with is to have a booby-trapped container that will blow up if someone tries to access it, thus eliminating all evidence of your private enjoyment.  Of course, you’ll know the right way to defuse the trap to get to your All Russian Slut Gang Bang DVDs and your Amputee Girls Gone Wild tapes.

Computers are a different beast.  Regarding family and friends going through your stuff, we’re pretty sure they’re not going to scour your hard drive, but you could at least be proactive and clear your browser history each time you go traipsing to your favorite watersports websites (and don’t bookmark your porn sites either, that’s just dumb).  Maybe if your trusted porn friend could learn how to wipe a hard drive clean, that would work too.  For the authorities, however, another booby-trap will be needed.  Encrypting your data only delays them from finding your spank files.  Now, the booby trap works fine with desktops, but not so much with laptops, due to their mobile nature.  The Renal Failure engineers are still working on that.  We might need a grant.

As for the porn on your smart phone, that’s just asking for trouble.  In the chaos after your death, the odds of that phone ending up in someone’s hands that you really don’t want having it goes up exponentially.  Play the safe odds.  Besides, if your iPhone can keep track of your location, it’s going to keep track of your porn as well.  You really want Steve Jobs knowing you’re really into feet?

Hopefully with these tips we can prevent people from knowing how kinky you really were in life.

*And by engineers I mean me wearing a pocket protector as I guzzle a jug of rum.

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5 comments

  1. i have a “doomsday buddy”. we share keys, and have gone over “the plan” several times. for the computer resources? we each only keep stuff in a folder labeled “miscellenous overflow”. that gets deleted, and boom. the phone problem is a good one – i would need to have a variety of photos removed.

    but my buddy’s big mistake? buying a sybian. you see, i want that. i just have to decide if it’s worth poisoning him to get it…


  2. Man I forgot about the sybian. Will it fit in your luggage when we hit New York daisyfae?


  3. I’m afflicted with something worse than porn: I still believe in God. So, there’s no hiding my porn. And if my family can’t bear thinking of me spanking it to Incest Orgies, well fuckum. God can.


    • As the great Bill Hicks said “What can defy God’s will? NOTHING!” So from that standpoint, you’re doing the Lord’s work. And the Lord loves to watch.


  4. Man, porn doesn’t even work. I’m always angry at who screws who. Unrealistic. You know who should star in a porno? Gerard Butler. And me.



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