Forsooth, I will veil my ridiculous notions with epic verbiage and a total lack of self-awareness

May 19, 2011

I have a low opinion of press secretaries as human beings, but I do however have a high opinion of their bullshitting abilities, because as a wild fabricator and outright liar myself I can appreciate on some level this postmodern art form that treats objective reality in the same way that the Black Knight from Monty Python and the Holy Grail did.

Now we had quite a fun time with Senator Jon Kyl’s press secretary who coined the now-eternal phrase…was not intended to be a factual statement.”  And while I still use this phrase in daily conversation, I feel like it’s gotten a little stale.  Luckily for me, Newt Gringrich’s press secretary Rick Tyler has provided me with a new way to weave bullshit into gold, which is quite something considering his boss came out with this quote to backtrack his initial running down on Sunday of the Republican plan to privatize Medicare:

So let me say on the record, any ad which quotes what I said on Sunday is a falsehood.

Pretty good bullshit there, saying direct quotes from you are lies, but we want the premium stuff.  And the high-grade bullshit is what Newt’s press secretary shot out to the press in defense of the man who signs his paychecks:

“The literati sent out their minions to do their bidding,” Tyler wrote. “Washington cannot tolerate threats from outsiders who might disrupt their comfortable world. The firefight started when the cowardly sensed weakness. They fired timidly at first, then the sheep not wanting to be dropped from the establishment’s cocktail party invite list unloaded their entire clip, firing without taking aim their distortions and falsehoods. Now they are left exposed by their bylines and handles. But surely they had killed him off. This is the way it always worked. A lesser person could not have survived the first few minutes of the onslaught. But out of the billowing smoke and dust of tweets and trivia emerged Gingrich, once again ready to lead those who won’t be intimated by the political elite and are ready to take on the challenges America faces.”

“Is Gingrich running to be President of America or Sparta?”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “I don’t think he can heft that heavy shield.  And I don’t want to see his nasty old ass running around in nothing but a helmet and a loincloth either.”

“I think this press lackey doesn’t know what literati means,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “It means the intellectual and scholarly elite, not just any jackhole who has the audacity to know how to read and figure out his boss is talking out of his ass.”

“This is like the Beowulf of political wanking,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “I’m surprised it wasn’t written in verse form and didn’t feature Newt Gingrich ripping the arms off a giant Barack Grendel Obama.”

“This press secretary douche sounds like a failed fantasy writer,”  says Mikka, reader of many a bad fantasy novel.  “His press release reads like a bad imitation of something out of a Tolkien novel.  Is Newt marching into frickin’ Mordor?  Is he the former congressman from Rohan?  Will he take the Presidential oath on the legendary blade Isildur rather than the Bible of his choosing?”

Note: From a fantasy standpoint, it’s much better than Rick Santorum’s Lord of the Rings as the War in Iraq analogy five years ago that only made sense if you didn’t know what the Lord of the Rings was.  And if you inhaled a lot of industrial solvent fumes.

“I think this press guy was watching a lot of Steven Segall movies this weekend,”  says Anonymous Doug, who has seen many a Steven Segall movie.  “All that was missing was a pithy catchphrase like ‘I’m going to take you to the bank… the blood bank!'”

“The purple prose hides the message that Gingrich is supposedly a Washington outsider and not himself a member of the political elite,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “The guy was the Speaker of the House in the 90’s.  3rd in line for the Presidency.  The only way he could be considered a Washington outsider is if he got inside so deep inside Washington that he came back out the other end of the universe due to some strange quantum physics anomaly involving black holes.”

“I think this is just the evolution of rhetorical bullshit from the Sarah Palin model of nonsensical press releases,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.  “It started with barely literate bleatings direct from the lizard brain, and now we’ve moved up to the fantastical ramblings of a renaissance bard with a cocaine habit.  The ridiculous hyperbole is still there, but now it reads like an unhinged, manic episode version of the speech in Braveheart instead of retarded word salad.”

At least the overwrought faux-heroic bullshit takes a lot more work than the retarded verbal train wreck bullshit.  I can’t wait to see what the next bullshit offering is that tops this.  It will probably be so postmodern that it will slingshot me forward in time, flinging me across all dimensions of understanding in an attempt to force me to comprehend its detachment from what I perceive as reality.  You know, like the end of 2010, except



  1. Your wild fabrications and outright lies are as witty and readable as Rick Tyler’s are not.

  2. I like Avonia. Bring her with you when we go out for a drink

    • Drink? i think we’ll need ‘shrooms if we’ll be meeting up with the Renal Failure Players.

  3. But, Sir Newt is so noble! So true! So hirsute!

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