At least he didn’t bring his wife on stage with him while he confessed to being a dumbassJune 7, 2011
Hey, remember that one congressman earlier this year that e-mailed pictures of himself with his shirt off to a woman on the Internet who was not his wife? Remember when we said we happy he didn’t mail pictures of his junk?
Yeah, well some other dumb-ass congressman got caught sending shirtless pics AND pics of his junk to other women. Well, underwear-covered junk as far as we know, but junk nonetheless. And so the Renal Failure players convened an emergency meeting to discuss this issue of national importance, because the news channels can’t stop beating their meat to this lurid tale.
“I think we need some PSA’s to tell people to stop sending pictures of their junk over the Internet,” I say. “When I grew up, every other thing on TV was about saying no to drugs. We need a Society for a Junk-Free Email Inbox to step in here because obviously people aren’t getting the message.”
“This incident has led me to the conclusion that a program or service on the Internet can only be successful if it allows you to make an absolute ass of yourself,” says Mikka. “This totally explains how YouTube, Facebook, and Twitter hit it big. So if you want to be the next Internet millionaire, create something that preemptively sends out photos of your dick or tits before the idiotic thought even occurs to you.”
“I liked it back in the day when you either had to know how to develop your own film or bribe the guy at the PhotoMart to get color prints of your cock,” says Anonymous Doug. “Going through all that work made you a lot more picky about who you gave those pictures to.”
“Is it just New York congressmen who are clueless about how to conduct themselves on the Internet?” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s two in one year that caught the Internet Dumb. We’ve gone from shirtless to covered junk. The next one who gets busted is going to have a donkey involved. I just know it.”
“Obviously humans should stop taking pictures of themselves,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “Only cats are worthy of being photographed for digital consumption. Just look at Maru. Take note, humans. That’s how photography is supposed to work.”
“I’m just annoyed it happened to a Congressman named Weiner,” says Samurai Cathy. “You know how many lame jokes we have to sit through now? You know how many people are going to attempt to be clever, and fail miserably? It’s hack joke heaven for people who think they’re funny but really aren’t.”
“Is there a man on this planet who when first asked would admit that it was their junk up on the Internet?” says Ninja Vicki. “Other than Tag Larkin, because he’ll admit to junk that isn’t even his. I mean, seriously. You really need to fight that instinct to protect yourself by lying, especially when it comes to photos you wish you didn’t take.”
“Why don’t they just go to prostitutes?” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “It causes a lot less trouble. Sure, Eliot Spitzer had to stop being governor, but then he got a show on CNN. And David Vitter did business with the DC Madam and is still in the Senate to this day. Using those standards, it’s okay for congressmen to get a hooker. Legislative branch equals okay for whores. Executive branch, not so much. Don’t know about the judicial branch. Let’s get Justice Scalia a hooker and test it out.”
Tag Larkin was unavailable for comment as he was pressing his junk up against the window of a women’s aerobic fitness studio. Tag Larkin has no need for Twitter or email to flirt with women. Tag Larkin is about face time. Sit-on-his-Face Time.