Keeping your digital pimp hand strong

June 22, 2011

So there’s this story about a 68-year old quantum physics professor from New York that got busted for running a huge online prostitution ring in New Mexico, but I feel the media is ignoring an important angle of this tale.  So I go to the only person I know who can provide this key point of view.

“I’ll give the guy credit, I would kill for his numbers,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp, referring to the stat that Professor Pimp had “200 prostitutes and about 1,200 johns” in his side business.  “And he was mostly operating things from clear on the other side of the country.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this guy was the world’s first digital pimp, or at least the most successful one.”

“Yeah, this guy had a much better setup than someone just posting to Craigslist,”  I say.  “I wonder if Quantum Pimp had a cool name for this service, like ‘Sit on My Facebook’ or ‘Prostitwitter.'”

“It was ‘Southwest Companions,'” says Avonia.  “Not catchy, I know, but the whole point is to maintain a low profile to keep the cops off you.”

“Then why do most pimp wear such flamboyant clothes?”  I say.

“Because pimps need to be high profile to keep their pimp hand strong so other pimps don’t think you’re the person to steal on,”  says Avonia.  “But the business end of pimping, the prostituting, has to be low profile.  It’s a tricky balance.”

“But Pimp Daddy Physics was so low-profile no one knew who he was,”  I say.  “At least for a while.”

“And so no one even knew they could steal off him,” says Avonia.  “But he admitted that he was doing this as a hobby.  I’m pimping for a living.  I need to put food on the table, and scented candles on my altar to the Goddess.  I don’t have a tenured university job to fall back on if I don’t get my money.”

“Do you think you’ll go digital with your pimping?”  I say.

“I don’t think so, just because of the easy-to-trace trail it leaves,”  says Avonia.  “I wouldn’t want my whole enterprise to be taken down from some saved Twitter messages or a wayward Facebook update.  Besides, you get too big, you get noticed, and then you get busted.”

“The tallest blade of grass always gets cut,”  I say.

“Plus, it seems all so impersonal, pimping over the Internet,”  says Avonia.  “I’m a people person.  I like personal interaction with my ladies.  A text message saying ‘Where’s my money, ho?’ doesn’t have the same bite as me delivering that line in person.  There’s voice inflection to take into account… facial expressions… the sight of me putting on my rings or cocking back my pimp broom…”

Avonia has a point.  It’s hard to maintain discipline in your stable of whores if the most you can do is TweetSlap a bitch with your #backhand.


One comment

  1. Was he only offering digital whores? That doesn’t sound like much fun.

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