We’ll never know Ted Bundy’s view on the flat taxJune 28, 2011
So New York just legalized gay marriage, and my instinct is to check in with Tina the Lesbian but I don’t because I remember that she’s trying to be dignified with her enjoyment of gay marriage rights, and that’s no fun at all. If she’s not going to act like a drunk-on-victory ass now that another state has declared that she can have the same rights as heterosexuals, then I’m not going to make the effort to leave my couch and put on pants. Plus she’ll get on my case because New York passed the gay marriage bill without attaching it to another bill legalizing marijuana use, which is why I claimed the gay marriage bill failed in New Jersey and in Maine too. So we’re not bothering with Tina the Lesbian this time around.
Instead I go out looking for Sean and Lucia Wheatley, who have been scared shitless for years that gay marriage is going to threaten their marriage somehow. But when I find them, they’re not frightened at all. They have a strange calm about them, strange because they are usually in a state of hysterical panic over something gay or Muslim or atheist or pagan or blue or bigger than TV remote.
“We’re putting our faith behind Michele Bachmann to protect us from the gay marriage,” says Sean Wheatley, referring to the US Congresswoman who is famous for saying ridiculous shit (like how the Health Care reform bill will create sex clinics that will shuttle off pregnant 13-year-olds to abortion clinics) but without the word salad-mangling of the English language that Sarah Palin regularly commits. Oh, and she’s going to run for president next year too.
“She says she has the spirit of Waterloo, Iowa inside her,” says Lucia Wheatley, who I suspect couldn’t find Waterloo, Iowa on a map if her life depended on it. “And that means she has the spirit of John Wayne inside her, one of the greatest Americans ever. That’s what she said and I believe it.”
Now I’m not up on my John Wayne trivia, but I am up on my serial killers, and John Wayne Gacy is from Waterloo, Iowa, not John Wayne the actor. So I question the Wheatleys on their devotion to a presidential candidate who channels the spirit of a man who killed 33 young boys and men.
“Why, that’s even better!” says Sean Wheatley. “That’s the sort of attitude we need in Washington.”
“Yes, she’ll strangle gay marriage and then stash its corpse in the crawl space of the White House,” says Lucia Wheatley. “And finally our marriage will be safe from the gays.”
I would bring up the point that Gacy raped his victims, but I get the feeling that as long as Gacy didn’t marry his victims before killing them it won’t faze the Wheatleys.
Now usually I’d chalk up Bachmann’s comment as just part of her standard operating batshittery, but I took a different tack this day. I decided to accept her words at face value, as if she actually meant to say what she said, that she does indeed carry the spirit of serial killer John Wayne Gacy. And from this new perspective everything suddenly made sense.
Beneath her willing-and-obedient-instrument-of-God exterior (much like how Son of Sam David Berkowitz took his killing orders from a dog) is the cold sociopathic heart of a follower of Ayn Rand, much like her congressional colleague Paul Ryan of Wisconsin who is known for his recent “bold” economic plan of punching poor people in the face. Now one of the crazier things Ayn Rand wrote about (and that’s saying something) was her admiration of William Edward Hickman, a particularly vicious child murderer from the 1920’s, for his “independence” from the constraints of society. This dovetails uncomfortably well with Bachmann’s penchant for yelling that most everything the government does is an encroachment on freedom, whether it’s health care reform, light bulbs, the Census, or recognizing that gays are people too.
So taking these things into account, it makes perfect sense for Michele Bachmann to channel the spirit of a mass murderer for her Presidential campaign. In fact, it’s the most sensible thing she’s ever said. It’s the validation of my theory that America is the land of sociopaths (we let them many of them wander free-range on our business news networks), and we will gladly elect these functional monsters to high political office. But more so, Bachmann’s admission is the validation of the next step to my theory, that we will eventually elect an actual serial killer as President. Hell, we’ve probably done that a few times already (I’m looking at you, Martin Van Buren!), but this time ritual murder and an impressive body count will be a campaign platform that our pundit class will fawn over and designate as a telling sign of a candidate’s seriousness. We might be two election cycles from George Will sitting on ABC’s This Week declaring that you can’t win the Iowa primaries without having a Gary Heidnik rape dungeon in your basement, which David Brooks will celebrate as a bold and courageous innovation in political campaigning. And George Stephanopolous will nod his stupid, useless head and be too much of a coward to disagree with his colleagues’ pro-rape dungeon stance.
We’ve already established back in 2008 that George Will looks like a child molester, so it’s not a far jump to say he looks like he would support serial killer with a rape dungeon for president, just as long as that serial killer was a strong proponent for cutting taxes.
“Don’t be silly,” say Sean. “Lecter can’t be vice-president because he wasn’t born in America.”
“The BTK Killer would make a pretty good vice-president,” says Lucia. “He’s from Kansas, and Kansas is part of Real America, where the decadence and elite attitudes of the coasts can’t reach the purity of the god-fearing Heartland. Plus he was a deacon too.”
I look forward to seeing the Serial Killer Ayn Rand Jesus’s campaign in 2016 or 2020. “Vote for the candidate who lures illegal immigrants into her basement, strangles them with an American flag, and creates replica Constitutions using their skin as the parchment and their blood as the ink!” She’s guaranteed to get 27% of the vote.