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That is So Beef Curtains!

June 30, 2011

*blink* *blink*

“What the fuck did I just watch?”  I say.

Turns out I was watching a viral ad campaign for Summer’s Eve.  Yeah, the douche people.  They’re trying to be relevant again by doing this campaign where they’re trying to get people to say “That’s Vaginal!” instead of “That’s Awesome!”, and they’re doing it with a cat puppet spokesperson because we suspect no human being wanted to be directly associated with such tripe.  Well, almost no human…

“We created ‘That’s Vaginal!’ as an entertaining way to drive home an important point: The industry, including Summer’s Eve, and society have talked in code about the vagina and women’s genitalia for too long, and it’s time for a change. Women tell us they’re ready to embrace talking about their bodies in an open, honest way,” said Angela Bryant, director of U.S. marketing, feminine care for Summer’s Eve. “We’ve been dancing around the word ‘vagina’ for so long, we wanted to invent an unexpected, fun way to give it a new, positive place in today’s vernacular.”

“And maybe I would be open to such a message if it wasn’t coming from a company that makes douche,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “Yes, your vagina is awesome, now douse it in vinegar, you dirty whore!  That just doesn’t fly with me.”

“Yeah, vaginas are awesome until you throw off the chemical balance in there with douche,”  says Ninja Vicki.  “That so vaginal, as in the infection you’re going to get.”

“I would have gone with vulvatastic,”  says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp.  “Or vulvacious.  Come on, why is the vulva getting the shaft here?  Oh… because the vagina is what gets the shaft… of course…”

“Clitastic works for me,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Because if I was going to pick something down there to express awesomeness, I’m going with what makes me feel the awesomest.  That’s what gets all nine of my toes a-curling.”


In the 1950’s there was only one thing more threatening than communism… your wife’s stinky lady parts.

“I’ve seen some things that were vaginal, but they were far from awesome,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Every cock isn’t a Roman column of turgid power, and every vagina isn’t a tunnel of treasures either.”

“Well, I do like the fact that cat has a butler working for it,”  says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “However, the fact that he’s being used as the figurehead in this insipidness makes him an embarrassment to all felines.  Okay, yes… cat, pussy, vagina… we get it. Ha ha!  How droll of you, Summer’s Eve.  You douchebags… which you manufacture.”

“This is not the way to introduce a catch phrase into the popular culture,” says Mikka.  “The vagina people should know that you can’t force it.  And you’re definitely not getting it in there by being corny, that’s for sure.”

Mikka is right.  Look, Summer’s Eve, this whole “That’s Vaginal!” thing ain’t going to work, because we’ve already tried it.  Back in 2008, we tried to enter Vagin-o-mite! (say it like Jimmie Walker’s Dyn-o-mite!) into the collective lexicon of society and didn’t work.  We now know why: because you can’t try to invent a catchphrase.  You have to not be trying to create a catchphrase to properly create one.  But still… vagin-o-mite was a great phrase.  And it is actually vaginal.  So fuck you, Summer’s Eve, for retreading where we’ve already been, except with more money and actual douche.

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5 comments

  1. I’d forgotten about your Vagin-o-Mite sandwich post. Hilarious stuff.


  2. you used my favorite word, “turgid”. i’ve been trying to work that back into the daily lexicon for about a decade… maybe i need a talking dog puppet or something?


  3. That creeps me out on so many levels.


  4. Does anyone remember that book by Gore Vidal where, rather than using profanity and words for sex characteristics, he substituted the names of supreme court justices?

    Brilliant, I tell you.


    • I seem to remember that was Robert Anton Wilson. “Do you want to Potter Stewart?”



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