We won’t mind your failed marraiges as long as you keep having an open bar at the receptionsJuly 11, 2011
“I’ve got a question about wedding toast etiquette,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Why ask me?” I say. “I’ve never been married, nor given a toast at a wedding, nor am I likely to do any of these things in the future.”
“Because you like having the answers to questions haven’t been asked yet,” says Tina the Lesbian. “That’s why you’re The Closer when it comes to Bar Trivia night. You slam down the answers no one else at the table knows anything about, for reasons you don’t even know.”
“Fair enough,” I say. “Ask your question.”
“If you’re giving the toast to the bride and groom, is it okay to mention in your toast that this is not the first time the groom has been married?” says Tina the Lesbian.
“Was the bride unaware of that fact before the trip to the altar?” I say.
“No, she knew,” says Tina. “Everyone knew. Most of the reception was spent discussing how much better this wedding was than the first.”
“So this isn’t a hypothetical situation,” I say. “You’re asking for a judgment on a recent event.”
“Yeah, my cousin got married for the second time to a guy who is getting married for his second time too,” says Tina the Lesbian. “And his date-rapist Jersey Shore-looking best man, who may have been drunk five minutes into the reception or just dumber than caulk, brings up during his toast that this wasn’t the groom’s first wedding but he’s happy that he and my cousin met.”
“From the mental picture I have of this grand toastmaster, I think everyone is just glad he kept his dick in his pants and that didn’t utter any ethnic slurs or say ‘motherfucker’ during his speech,” I say. “If the mentioning of an uncomfortable but widely known fact is the worst thing this guy said during his toast, then it’s a victory for everyone at the reception.”
“I shouldn’t have to lower my standards for humanity to the level where I have to be happy when someone doesn’t whip their cock out at an inappropriate time,” says Tina the Lesbian. “Like a wedding reception or a baptism.”
“To be fair, it was very hot in that church, the priest was late, and if I didn’t dip my balls in that baptismal font I was going to pass out,” I say. “It’s like I learned in first aid class: Beat the Heat: Cool Down Your Meat.”
“What you just said has no basis in science, physical medicine, or reality,” says Tina the Lesbian.
“But people will believe it because I said it with unwavering confidence,” I say. “And that makes everything I say okay, whether it mentioning that it’s not someone’s first wedding or that my body temperature can be regulated by dipping my nutsack in a baptismal font.”
Tina doesn’t look happy to have had this discussion, but I think deep down she’s pleased to know the answer to the questions that I’ve addressed today. I don’t need her to thank me. The look of confusion on her face is payment enough.