The less violent way to get your wedding on the evening news

July 25, 2011

Well, it looks like this is a good week to be gay.  Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is being repealed, allowing gays to serve openly in the US military, and New York’s gay marriage law went into effect to the sounds of hundreds of gay feet running to the altar or the courthouse or wherever else you can get a marriage license.  Get it while the getting’s good, or before the next election in case a bunch of moralizing ass-clowns sneak into office and regress the social progress we’ve made as a society.

“So does this mean you’re moving to New York?”  I say to my good friend Tina the Lesbian.

“No, I’ll be staying here in this non-disclosed state that doesn’t have gay marriage,”  says Tina the Lesbian.

“Is it because you don’t have anyone to gay marry in your life?”  I say.

“That’s… absolutely right,”  Tina says with a sigh.  “I see all these gay couples on TV who rushed to get married as soon as the gay marriage law in New York went into effect, and I couldn’t help but feel empty inside because I didn’t have anyone in my life who I could drag to a justice of the peace to get hitched in those few seconds of gay marriage legality.”

“So you’re treating gay marriage like people treated the opening night midnight showing of the last Harry Potter movie?”  I say.

“Way to drain the romance out of my dream, dude,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “You need to understand that this whole rush out and get married as soon as its legal… it’s the most ideally romantic thing to happen to gays in a long time.  It combines the adoration of a deep, personal love with a society-changing civil rights victory.  You want to be able to point to that wedding picture on your mantle and say to your unmarried gay friends ‘Yup, we got that done the very second gay marriage was legal in this state.’   And then you watch those friends swoon about how romantic that was, and how they wish that their gay marriage could be so memorable.”

“But you can’t do that because you haven’t been in a healthy relationship since college,”  I say.  “And your unhealthy relationships don’t last longer than an NFL season and usually end with you losing a lot of kitchen appliances and IKEA furniture.”

“I almost want the gay marriage momentum to slow down just enough so that when the next state flips to marrying gay people I will be ready to join in that romantic initial rush,”  says Tina the Lesbian.   “And then I will cherish that historic memory for the rest of my life.  Even if I get gay divorced.

“Then you can do the whole gay marriage legality rush again in some other state with a new mate,”  I say.  “Because any fool with good timing can be part of a historical moment, but it takes real talent to be a part of two historic moments.”

“Does it make me a bad person that I’m motivated to marry not out of love?”  says Tina.

“No, because straight people marry for reasons not related to love all the damn time,”  I say.  “And there lies the true test of equality.  See, any straight asshole can have a shitty marriage and it’s not a referendum on straight marriage.  When gays can have shitty marriages and no one thinks that it’s indicative of all gay marriages, then we’ll have reached equality.”

“Your words are both hopeful and horrifying,”  says Tina the Lesbian.  “I don’t know how to feel about that.”

That’s her first mistake right there: having feelings.  Feeling have nothing to do with marriage.  Marriage is a business proposition, except with more fucking and houseware gifts.  The sooner she figures that out, the sooner she can enter into a loveless marriage like a lot of people out there.



  1. Gay, or straight, half of all marriages end in divorce.

    The other half end in death.

  2. Sorry we missed you in NYC :-(

    • Yeah, I’m sorry I couldn’t make it up there. Damn it.

      • Next time baby, next time….

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