Your uterus’s status has changed to uninhabitableAugust 5, 2011
I’ve been cranky lately. Big surprise. Anyway…
As a society I don’t think we call out stupid bullshit committed by expecting parents enough, as if impending breeding is a reason to let ridiculous things slide. Case in point: Facebook will now let you add your unborn children to your friends and family list on Facebook.
From the Daily Mail article on this story:
Previously, parents had to create a new profile for their unborn baby breaking Facebook rules which state all users much be at least 13 years of age.
The new option now lets users prominently display their momentous news without using a separate page.
First, if you have the notion to make a Facebook page for your unborn child, smack yourself in the face with a hammer until the urge to make an unborn baby Facebook page passes, or you lose consciousness. And if you can’t bring yourself to do it to yourself, I’ll gladly do it for you. I’m here to help you not be an insufferable asshead. It’s not your fault, you’re just suffering from an abrupt intelligence drop due to pregnancy. You’re making horrible decisions. It happens. We can work through it, with the right blunt instruments.
Second, I’m going to refer to this new Facebook feature as the “Promote Your Miscarriage” option. Look, they happen, all right, and more often than you think. You don’t know because women don’t like talking about it. Maybe they should, but they don’t, and that’s their decision. But that decision will be taken away when you have to take that expecting notice down. People notice these things on Facebook. They see it when you change your relationship status from In a Relationship to Single, they’re damn sure going to notice you’re not expecting anymore. And they’ll leave you a flood of condolence messages on your Facebook page, a further reminder of what you didn’t want them to know in the first place.
Since when did a status update announcing a pregnancy stop being sufficient? Hell, there’s a cloying amount of expecting parents who practically live-blog their pregnancies now. You can use the Facebook app to tell people the approximate size of your fetus at certain points of your pregnancy (your baby is now the size of an avocado, your baby is now the size of your inevitable emotional breakdown). If someone hasn’t LiveTweeted giving birth to a child by now, I’d be shocked. I don’t feel like looking if #epidural is a popular hashtag on Twitter. If I see a fetus FourSquare update stating that the child-to-be has checked in at “mommy’s womb,” I’m going to say some very horrible things to that person. That’s not clever. Foursquare checking in at “Your Mom’s Vagina” is clever, especially if you get to be the Mayor of “Your Mom’s Vagina” or you earn a badge for frequent visits to “Your Mom’s Vagina.” This won’t be clever in a few weeks so use this while you can.
But you’re not allowed to tell your expecting friends they’re being unbearable twats. It’s considered impolite to tell a pregnant woman that sort of thing. Or maybe there’s something where if you insult a pregnant woman too harshly her womb implodes. We’ll have to test that. I’m sure science can figure this out. Plus, I’d like to know conclusively if my invective can abort pregnancies.