Why yes, I take all my first dates to a cockfight…August 14, 2011
Relationships. We remember what they were like. But to keep that memory fresh we read up on relationship columns on the Internet. Well, mainly ones other people find then post to their Facebook page and then we see them and destroy them, like this article last May about “31 Things I Wish I Knew About Dating When I Was 21” written by a broken and barely functioning 31-year-old woman. The article was so hideously wretched, it took us two parts to properly dissect it.
Our latest victim is an article titled: “Don’t Take a Woman Here!” And no it’s not about Saudi Arabia either. It’s five places to not take a woman on a date. Let’s go through them with the help of relationship experts Anonymous Doug and Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat.
Likewise, we don’t want to feel ignored by our date because he’s watching his favorite team or can’t hear us because of that old 50 Cent song blaring from the speaker by our heads. The Buffalo wings are pretty much the best part of this experience, and they better be freakin’ outstanding.
“No, you take her there once, then you see if she ever wants to come back,” says Anonymous Doug. “If she does, then she’s into sports and she’s cool. If she’s not, you now have a place to escape to when her clingy ass gets too annoying. You just say ‘I’m going down to the sports bar’ and she won’t follow you.”
“Hey, boring-ass non-sports-loving lady writer, when it comes between a man’s love for you and his love for the New York Yankees, just remember that the Yankees have been in his life a lot longer than you have,” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “And even better, the Yankees don’t get all bitchy jealous if he doesn’t pay attention to them.”
We know you’re eager to be the manly man as we clench your arm in terror while spinning upside down in a quadruple loop. It’s just that some of us are not aching to toss our cookies in the bushes next to the churros stand while you watch.
“Quadruple-looping coasters are awesome,” says Anonymous Doug. “If a girl’s too fragile for a roller coaster, how is she going to fare when I strap her into the harness over my bed?”
“Is there any joy in this woman’s life?” says Bernie the Half-Cyborg Cat. “My wife would love a date to a theme park, but I’m not tall enough to ride any of the rides. Apparently rollercoasters are not made for cats.”
Fast-food joints obviously rank as the worst dinner choices, but corporate restaurants (oh, don’t make me name names… you know the ones I mean!) also lack originality and thoughtfulness. As a general rule, don’t take us to a place where we know what we’re going to order before we walk in. We’d rather be taken somewhere off the beaten path — where there are candles instead of fluorescent lights and we don’t have to listen to Top 40 songs blaring from a speaker overhead.
“Then bitch we’re going dutch because I cannot afford to take your picky ass out to eat at whatever overpriced bistro or ristorante trattoria you see on the street,” says Anonymous Doug. “I make shit for money at whatever my job happens to be that week. I’m eating at Applebee’s because that’s what I can afford, ya gold-digging harpy. That and it’s half-off appetizers after 10pm.”
“Yeah, you can’t do a lot of menu damage to a guy’s wallet at Chili’s,” says Bernie. “What’s the most expensive item on that menu? Just order a few of those margaritas the size of your head and get over yourself.”
Men and women have different senses of humor. Various studies have proven this, so try to respect this biological fact and refrain from making us indulge your Three Stooges sensibility for two hours. Your buddies may laugh, but we’ll simply be rolling our eyes.
“You know how some people say that women can’t be funny, it’s because of this broad,” says Doug. “She’s ruining it for all the other broads out there who can appreciate quality stuff, like The Three Stooges.”
“I don’t think there is a biological factor to this woman not liking Jackass or Borat,” says Bernie. “I think she’s so far up her own ass she can’t see or hear why they are funny.”
We know you might have an urgent need to explore your inner hunter, but we’re gatherers — and those little pellets sting and leave bruises. Being shot by your date isn’t fodder for a romantic afternoon; it’s warfare.
“That’s why you play on the same team, dumb-ass,” says Doug. “You shoot the other team, capture the flag, win the game, and then you go home and have a victory fuck. That’s an awesome date.”
“Paintball is a test to see how you will fare under pressure when the zombie apocalypse hits,” says Bernie. “Because if you’re going to repopulate the Earth with us, you’re going to have to survive the initial outbreak and undead rush.
Meeting Your Mother
Sure, she might make the best fried chicken or pasta primavera on the planet, but her long, loving gaze might make us feel less like family and more like we’re on the wrong end of a long microscope — especially if you take us to meet her on the second or third date.
“Considering more and more people are having to move back in with their parents because of the shitty economy, this one’s going to be a little hard to avoid,” says Anonymous Doug. “But she does have a point that it is kinda creepy if you do it early in the relationship.”
“There’s a reason guys bring home their girlfriends to meet their mom: it’s so mom will shut the shit up about when we’re going to let her meet you,” says Bernie. “In fact, more times than not if a guy is doing something un-guylike, it’s probably so we don’t have to hear some woman complaining.”
Don’t worry, ladies. There’s another article about where not to take a guy too that we’ll eviscerate soon enough.