Second date: dinner. Third date: movies. Fourth date: mammogram screeningAugust 15, 2011
So we already dealt with Where Not to Take a Girl, now we turn our attention to its accompanying article “5 Dates No Guy Wants to Go on.” And we’re letting Ninja Vicki and Avonia the Wiccan Pimp handle this, a strange duo to get dating advice from considering Avonia has been married for a number of years and Vicki hasn’t had a date in quite a while.
Hiking is an activity many men look forward to with the same relish they take in reading Aristotle in the original Greek, receiving a prostate exam, or attending a Celine Dion concert. The way we see it, nature is way overrated.
“No, hiking is an activity that men see as an opportunity to make love with their woman outdoors,” says Avonia, the nature-enthusiast. “I’ve had covenmates who’ve started dating their partners because of hiking. And then they go out hiking as an excuse to get head in the woods. It’s great.”
“Guys don’t like being outdoors anymore? I find that hard to believe,” says Ninja Vicki. “Dude, it’s a cheap date. Providing a few water bottles and some trail mix for a walk in the woods is way less expensive than going out to dinner. Unless it’s Applebee’s or TGIFriday’s.”
If we must do something cultural and uplifting, at least make it ballet where the women are in shape, wearing form-revealing clothing and moving their bodies in ways that cause us to imagine them with us in a variety of other non-dance situations.
“Um… if you’re on a date with a woman and you’re more interested in fantasizing about sexy time with ballerinas, I’m pretty sure the relationship is not going to last very long,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Obviously this guy never heard of pussy debt,” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “You go to the opera with your woman, and then you can cash in that pussy debt for what my esteemed colleague who runs this site refers to as ‘fuck action’ later. It’s basic pussy economics.”
Men, however, view travel slightly differently. We even spell it differently. We spell it this way: t$r$a$v$e$l. We also view it as time away from our jobs. This will virtually guarantee that not only will a huge stack of work be waiting for us upon our return (and that our bosses will find out the business runs just fine without our being there), but we’ll no doubt come down with some exotic disease and need to be treated in a culture where doctors are still playing catch-up with the wonders of Medieval medicine.
“I don’t think agroraphobics should write dating columns,” says Avonia. “Or at least they should preface their articles by declaring their anxiety disorder so that we know they have a skewed view of the dating world.”
“You know what’s cheaper than traveling? HIKING!” says Ninja Vicki. “You know what kind of man women like? One who doesn’t dumbly contradict himself halfway through his own article.”
This is how men view clothes shopping: You get to follow your sweetie from store to store with the added bonus of holding her purse as she tries on one dress, blouse, or pair of shoes after another while you struggle to convince her that each garment does not, in fact, make her butt look big.
“Again, this author does not understand the concept of pussy debt,” says Avonia. “You do this for her, she does something else for you. That’s what relationships are about. How does someone write dating articles and not understand that basic fact?”
“Who considers clothes shopping a date?” says Ninja Vicki. “If I go to the supermarket with a guy to pick up stuff for dinner, is that considered a date to the supermarket? If a guy gives me a ride to and from the dentist because I need to get put under to remove my wisdom teeth, is that considered a date to the dentist? Sometimes you have shit to do and you bring someone along. That’s not a date.”
Naturally, we men are going to want to avoid the mistakes we made in our past relationships and we’re not averse to keeping our current romantic relationship as perfectly tuned up as our cars. But that doesn’t mean we welcome the prospect of attending the “Enhancing Couples’ Intimacy Workshop” or “The Two of You: Closer than Ever! Seminar” to which you’re so determined to drag us.
“These sound like things you go to when you’re married, not when you’re dating,” says Avonia. “And that doesn’t even sound like a date either. It sounds more like an intervention. That’s what he should have listed: don’t take your date to an intervention. No one gets a hook-up after watching a bunch of people try to convince someone they need help.”
“Yeah, that’s not a date, it’s either an admission of failure on the woman’s part or a pointed accusation toward the man,” says Ninja Vicki. “I don’t think problems in relationships should be regarded in the same way as home repair classes at the Home Depot. But how common is this date that it required some jackass on the Internet to write about it?”
What have we learned? You should only take dating advice from us.