It’s not a holiday unless there’s a danger of physical disfigurement

November 24, 2011

Tag Larkin is tired of pedestrian methods of preparing his Thanksgiving turkey. Ovens bore Tag Larkin. Tag Larkin wants a Thanksgiving turkey cooked in a method befitting a man of his grand stature.

That’s why Tag Larkin deep fries his turkey.

But Tag Larkin isn’t allowed to own a deep fryer anymore, not after the last three Thanksgivings where his zest for copious amounts of oil and his refusal to thaw his turkey resulted in many houses being torched.  But Tag Larkin has found a way around that.

Tag Larkin will infrared fry his turkey.

“Tag Larkin harnesses the power of the electromagnetic spectrum to prepare his meal!”  Tag Larkin announces to the neighborhood.  “Mere heat from gas and oil are not worthy to cook Tag Larkin’s meat products.  Tag Larkin wields dangerous radiation to bring turkeys their own personal Chernobyl.  Tag Larkin will have a feast worthy of the atomic superman that Tag Larkin is!”

“Actually infrared radiation is rather common and isn’t that dangerous,” I say.  “You’re actually being responsible with your choice of turkey deep fryers.”

Tag Larkin gives his infrared deep fryer a disdainful look before punting it across the street into Ninja Vicki’s yard.  “Tag Larkin demands his Thanksgiving cooking to be dangerous and irresponsible!  Tag Larkin wants people to be thankful that they survived Thanksgiving!”

Tag Larkin then demands directions to the nuclear power plant.

“Tag Larkin will be the first to make a moist delicious turkey dinner with plutonium!”  Tag Larkin decrees.  “It will make your tongue orgasm and it will destroy cancer cells.  And tasty stuffing and mashed potatoes will be the nuclear fallout!”

To prevent our town from ending up like Japan after the tsunami melted down their nuclear plants, we distract Tag Larkin with a challenge to see how many animals he can shove up another animals ass and then cook them all together.

“Tag Larkin laughs at Turducken!”  says Tag Larkin, referring to the tasty meal of a chicken shoved up a duck shoved up a turkey and then cooked.  “Tag Larkin will fit ten animals inside each other for the most awesomely succulent meal ever!”

We also mandated that he couldn’t shove anything up a person’s ass.  We don’t believe Tag Larkin is a cannibal, but we want to discourage and abort that idea seed before it germinates in Tag Larkin’s head.

“Tag Larkin demands a bison!”

We’re hoping this keeps him busy through Christmas.



  1. Those firies sure love their demonstrations don’t they?

  2. i never had interest in frying a turkey until i saw these demos. bring on the hot oil and frozen meat!

  3. Tag is bisonsual?

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