Essentially you shouldn’t be allowed to handle sharp objects or leave the house without a helmet

November 26, 2011

I understand why a segment of the population don’t want us using the word “retarded” in casual and public conversation, but I’m of the opinion that if you want to remove a word from usage you have to give us something to replace it.  And therein lies the problem of “retarded,” because no one’s been able to find a substitute that properly conveys the term’s full meaning and effect.

For example, in trying to severely downplay the UC Davis protestors being pepper sprayed by a cop, FOXNews Megyn Kelly claimed that pepper spray is “a food product, essentially.”  Now I can say that statement is grossly simplistic, intellectually dishonest, or flat-out wrong, but those terms don’t seem to carry the same weight or contempt as saying Megyn Kelly’s statement is fucking retarded.  It graduates from stupid because Megyn’s words weren’t conceived from intellectual deficiency but from a place of willful ignorance and intentional deceit.  The act of her saying pepper spray is a food product out loud was an attempt to persuade me that her idea had a merit, which it clearly does not.   Her attempt to persuade was so lacking that it was insulting, as if she believed we lacked the mental faculties to properly discern her words to be bullshit.

Now I could write that last paragraph out every time I hear something on FOXNews, or I can just say it was fucking retarded and move on to the next item on the Renal agenda. Like Maru videos.

Sort of off-topic note: I like to think we might not have gone to war in Iraq if someone in the media had stated explicitly that the idea was fucking retarded.  Civilized discourse has obviously failed us. 

Anyway… would I like a better phrase to properly express the feeling that am I dumber for hearing Megyn Kelly speak?  Absolutely!  Just like how people of long ago wanted a better way to dispose of bodily wastes than shitting in a chamber pot in the corner of their room and throwing it out the window.  But until indoor plumbing and toilets came along 700 years later, they made due with what they had and kept shitting in that pot.

The best the Renal Failure labs have been able to come up with so far is “intellectual concussion.”  Descriptive, yes, but it doesn’t have the same impact as fucking retarded.  It’s the difference between shooting a watermelon with a .357 revolver and calling in a napalm strike on a watermelon field.

At least this example of retardedness has spawned a funny new internet meme.  For that we can be thankful.

Admittedly, we (and the Internet at large )haven’t had this much fun since Senator Jon Kyl’s press secretary said his boss’s bullshit about Planned Parenthood wasn’t intended to be a factual statement, but it’s still fucking retarded in that the sad state of our world not only allows such acts that devolve humanity as a whole to occur with such regularity but does not have the language suitable to capture the essence of the idiocy on display.



  1. My favorite: Mustard gas. It’s a hot dog condiment. Essentially.

  2. I was going to vote for the Surprise Sex. but hot dog condiment trumps that

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