TAINT STAB!December 2, 2011
This clip from the movie Alien vs. Ninja got my attention, for obvious reasons…
Ninja Vicki ignores my opening question of “Why don’t you wear corset-like body armor?” but she does respond to my next statement: “I was not aware ninjas were trained to fight against breast-grabby third-rate H.R. Giger creatures from beyond the stars.”
“Ninjas are always prepared,” says Ninja Vicki. “Though usually when my hair gets in my face I don’t have a cool cinematic convenient breeze to sweep it from my face after pulling off some cool move. Maybe I can get Avonia the Wiccan Pimp to help me with that.”
“And do you usually stab your quarry in the taint too?” I say.
“When I get the chance, sure,” says Ninja Vicki. “But that’s not often. It’s a low-percentage move, but usually a taint-stab renders your opponent unwilling to continue the fight.”
“So why did this ninja girl wait so long to bring out those blades hidden in her gloves?” I say. “She could have easily whipped them out when the alien was dry-humping her and stabbed him the neck.”
“Ninjas save their weapons for the proper time,” says Ninja Vicki. “If she brought out those wrist-blades earlier, she wouldn’t have gotten the taint-stab. Granted, she didn’t seem like a great ninja warrior – someone not of my skill, of course – but her ninja knowledge is pretty decent.”
“Does decent ninja knowledge include wearing tight leather pants?” I say.
“There’s real ninja and then there’s movie ninja,” says Ninja Vicki. “Movie ninja wears ridiculously tight outfits of impractical materials. Real ninja needs an outfit that moves and breathes, but also won’t get snagged on stuff like branches or razor-wire. This is why I usually go with lycra or stuff from Under Armor.”
“I thought we agreed never to talk about that ever again,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Um, nope, we didn’t,” I say. “But I can see why you wouldn’t want to overdo the whole vagina bubbles from Hell thing. It would lose its element of surprise and shock if you killed every victim with them. Just like how you don’t kill every victim of yours with a taint stab, alien or not alien.”
“I think you just like saying ‘taint stab’ over and over,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Would Samurai Cathy stab someone in the taint?” I say.
“No, because she’s got hang-ups, like honor and decency,” says Ninja Vicki about her arch-nemesis. “Apparently for samurais it’s dishonorable to taint stab your opponent. Decapitation and disembowelment are still all right though. What’s up with that?”
Standards are weird like that. The less of them you have, the less inconsistencies arise regarding them. Plus if your standards are low enough, it’s easy to live up to them and not be a hypocrite. Maybe this is why we like scoundrels so much; they’re consistent bastards in an inconsistent world. They’re living up to their standards.