Maybe if you weren’t wearing such a tight wetsuit…

December 13, 2011

“Did you know that dolphins have prehensile penises?”  I say.

“So they can like grab stuff with their dicks?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“Yeah, just like a prehensile tail, except it’s your penis,” I say.

“I don’t know if I’d grab things with my dick if I could,” says Anonymous Doug.  “I was thinking maybe I could hold a beer with my dick while keeping my hands free to do other stuff, but then I remembered beer is cold and that might cause me not to have as much dick slack as before and drop the beer. Now I’m just standing there with a spilled beer on the floor and my cold-shrinked cock exposed exposed for all to see.  That’s no fun.”

“So you never heard about dolphins having prehensile penises?”  I say.

“No, I have not.”

“Okay,” I say.  “So have you heard about dolphin rape caves?”

“Is that a new Sea World attraction?”  says Anonymous Doug.

“Maybe after hours at the park,”  I say.  “Apparently male dolphins have been known to grab people with their prehensile penises, drag them under water to these special caves, and rape the shit out of them.”

“I have heard about dolphins getting all rapey and stuff,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “That’s why women on their periods aren’t allowed to swim with the dolphins at resorts.  But I didn’t know dolphins had their own rape cave.  That’s surprising.”

“Yeah, I mean, I know dolphins and humans are the only species who have sex for pleasure,” I say.  “So I could kind of see dolphins being into rape.  But dolphin rape caves?  Did not see that coming at all.”

“Well it’s an important piece of evidence to use against people who don’t believe in evolution,”  says Anonymous Doug.  “Are you going to tell me God intelligently designed dolphins to have rape caves?  Thank you Lord!  In your infinite wisdom, you have blessed us with caves where dolphins rape people, and for that we are humbly grateful.”

“I mean, I’ve seen animals try to rape people before, but dolphins just seem evil about it,”  I say.  “I’m no longer mad at Japan for turning their rivers red with slaughtered dolphins.  It seems like self-defense now.”

“Yeah, at least humans will try to make excuses for their raping, or at least be sneaky about it,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Dolphins don’t get you drunk, or slip you roofies, or blame it on you being scantily clad and sexy-looking.  They just grab you with their cocks and drag you to the rape cave.”

“Do you think anyone would be in a rock band or improv group called ‘Dolphin Rape Cave?'”  I say.

“Hmm… catchy name but it’s going to take a special kind of person to willingly want to perform under that name,” says Anonymous Doug.  “Which could either be a bad thing or an awesome thing, depending.”

Whatever the case, it certainly validates my policy of not going into the water.  How many years away are we from the dolphins figuring out how to use their prehensile penis to walk on land to find more rape victims?  Evolution is a nasty motherfucker.


  1. evolution is definitely a nasty motherfucker. it gave us Rick Perry.

  2. This reminds me faintly of the joke about the man who has his penis replaced with a baby elephant’s trunk (punch line: “I don’t think my asshole could take another hard roll.”) But just faintly.

  3. what’s Tag Larkin’s opinion?

    • Tag Larkin has punched out a dolphin, asserting that Tag Larkin is the dominant species. And remember, Tag Larkin is the innovator of the cock whip.

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