Stop putting “Hope” on your Christmas List, you know damn well you’re not getting any of that

December 18, 2011

I was spending my afternoon charting where my life went horribly wrong when Samurai Cathy came knocking at my door.

“I’m having trouble finding something for Mikka for Christmas,” says Samurai Cathy, referring to her Finnish boyfriend.

“Just get him a video game or a hockey jersey,”  I say.  “You’ve been dating him for like four years, surely you should know his tastes by now.”

“He pretty much has every game and jersey he desires,” says Samurai Cathy.  “So I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and all he would say is ‘gainful employment.'”

Mikka, you may not remember, got fired from the lo mein  factory in October.  Rumor has it he had to go back to being Tag Larkin’s intern, which doesn’t pay well, or at all.

“He’s been real depressed lately,”  Samurai Cathy continues.

“Christmas will do that to people,” I say.  “From the end of Thanksgiving till New Year’s, this is a horrid time for people whose lives aren’t going so well.  And despite dating a samurai, Mikka’s life overall is kinda sucky.”

“But I still need to get him something for Christmas,”  says Samurai Cathy. “The Girlfriend Code demands it.”

“Get him a gift card to some place he likes,” I say.  “That’s usually my go-to gift for people.  It beats figuring out what they’d like… or asking them.”

“Gift cards go against my samurai code,” says Samurai Cathy.  “When a samurai gives you a gift, it is one that is thoughtful and one that they made an effort to procure.  A gift card shows neither thoughtfulness or effort, and would only serve to bring shame upon me.”

“True, but they are one of the few gifts that Ninja Vicki can’t give out because every gift she gives is stolen,” I say, playing on Samurai Cathy’s blood feud with my ninja neighbor. “And gift cards need to be activated by the store via a purchase.”

“I will not base my gift purchases on Victoria’s thieving limitations,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “I am better than her by leaps and bounds.”

“Okay, then you have to go my Plan C of gift-giving,” I say.  “Booze.”

“Is that the best thing to give someone who’s depressed?”  says Samurai Cathy.

“Probably not, but free booze allows him to spend his meager savings on things that aren’t booze,” I say.  “Like food.  Or rent.  Or lube.”

“That seems reasonable,” says Samurai Cathy.  “So what do you want for Christmas?”

“I want a boot-wearing Amazonian Valkyrie of War to ride with me as we set fire to this awful world before we make savage love,” I say.

*blink* *blink*

“I can get you a case of Samuel Adams Winter Collection,”  says Samurai Cathy.  “Will that do?”

“You’re on the right track,” I say.  Chocolate Bock.  Black and Brew. Winter Lager.  That should get me through December.



  1. Now that you can buy gift cards for every store, restaurant and even Amazon at the checkout line of the grocery store, they have become even more thoughtless than they were when you had to actually GO to the place itself to buy them… give booze. always give booze.

  2. Until I clicked the link, I thought you’d left the L out of Bock

  3. I left a comment here yesterday – is it in your spam folder?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: