These potential ninjas showed up with their own masksFebruary 20, 2012
“3,500 Iranian women training as ninjas,” I say. “That’s most likely more than we’ve got in America.”
“Yeah, I find that disconcerting,” says Ninja Vicki. “Iran’s supposed to be rather oppressive of their women, but here they are training to be frickin’ ninjas. America’s got freedom and opportunities out the ass and I think I’ve only come across three other women ninjas, who I was then forced to kill because… well, that’s what we do.”
“So what’s with the ninjas in the tiger garb?” I say. “Are they’re really good ninjas who don’t have to hide so much?”
“Sometimes a ninja wants to be fashionable,” says Ninja Vicki. “And these outfits are much better than the ones they have the female ninjas traipsing around in in those Mortal Kombat games. It’s really hard to do backflips and roundhouse kicks with your tits all flopping about in the open.”
You cannot be a female ninja in Mortal Kombat unless you can dismember someone whilst wearing high heels and an outfit that looks like you just taped random fabric to your body…
“So will these Iranian ninjas be taught the ninja vagina bubbles trick?” I say.
“I don’t know, but if they do Israel’s going to flip the fuck out about it,” says Ninja Vicki. “They’re afraid of Iran having nukes… that’s nothing compared to an army of women shooting killer bubbles out of their cooches at you. I don’t think there’s an Israeli Krav Maga defense against vagina bubbles of death.”
“No, but they’re probably working on it as we speak,” I say. “They probably have already figured out how to defend against the taint stab.”
“But again, I can’t help but wonder why more women aren’t training as ninjas,” says Ninja Vicki. “Maybe men won’t be so eager to trample on your reproductive rights if they knew you could sink a shuriken in their faces. Maybe men would stop being all creepy and rapey if they knew we could slit their fucking throats so fast they’d never see the blade. Maybe women could get equal pay if bosses and executives knew ninja women could sneak into their homes and stab them to death as they slept.”
“Well, you can do those things,” I say. “Why aren’t you doing that?”
“Because I am but one woman,” says Ninja Vicki. “One ninja against an unjust patriarchal system doesn’t make a dent. A few thousand female ninjas, however, could make a big difference.”
“But you kill other ninjas so they don’t encroach in your territory,” I say.
“Well obviously these women ninjas would have to do their ninjaing somewhere else,” says Ninja Vicki. “I brook no competition on my turf. If you think just because you’re a woman you can pull ninja shit in my hood, I will not hesitate for a second to cut a bitch down.”
So Ninja Vicki is for women’s equality just as long as those women don’t try to be equal to her. This probably explains why she doesn’t have many friends.
BONUS: Speaking of ninjas… apparently someone’s made a Nursemyra/Ninja Vicki character for an upcoming video game…