How many people you got up in your cooch?February 23, 2012
“Do ninjas make good contraception?” I say.
“Well, we are 100% guaranteed to kill anything we target,” says Ninja Vicki. “We’d be much better than a contraceptive samurai, that’s for shit sure.”
“A contraceptive samurai would make sperm fear entering your vagina,” says Samurai Cathy. “One powerful stroke from my spermicidal sword would destroy an entire load of semen and leave nothing but rose petals in its wake.”
“The only good thing a contraceptive samurai would do is commit hara-kiri after failing to keep you un-fertilized,” says Ninja Vicki.
“Contraceptive samurai stand and fight the flood of sperm head-on,” says Samurai Cathy. “Contraceptive ninjas hide in the shadows of the fallopian tubes in cowardly fear.”
“Contraceptive ninjas are proactive agents of keeping women not-pregnant,” says Ninja Vicki. “We can sneak out of the vagina and kill the sperm at the source while they sleep.”
“And that leaves the vagina completely undefended,” says Samurai Cathy. “Contraceptive samurai never abandon their post. Contraceptive Ninjas have no honor, no code, and no chance against 3 million sperm rushing in all at once.”
“I don’t know…” I say. “With that many sperm, you probably need something more powerful, like magic.”
So we bring in Avonia the Wiccan Pimp…
“I would think my magic would prevent implantation rather than fertilization,” says Avonia. “It’s just as good.”
“Yeah, but not as interesting,” says Ninja Vicki. “I’m murdering sperm, you’re just making a force field for the uterine wall.”
“You don’t want a murderer in your vagina, you need a protector,” says Samurai Cathy. “And you certainly don’t need someone defending your eggs who hasn’t been in contact with a penis since Arrested Development was on TV.”
“Why can’t we just use regular conception?” says Avonia the Wiccan Pimp. “Why do we have to put mini ninjas and samurais and Wiccans in our vaginas?”
No one had an answer for that, but we did come to the consensus that this was the most intelligent discussion on contraception that we’ve seen in a while because it actually involved women.